


Yoko Ono's Got Nothing on Jensen Ackles

by 4everkizuna



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supernatural and J2 Big Bang Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2013-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-20 21:16:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4everkizuna/pseuds/4everkizuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Jared Padalecki has lived the hard-rock, hard-drinking lifestyle practically since the day he left his home and his alcoholic father. Jensen Ackles has been sheltered after disease almost cut his life far too short.  Can they forge a path together or will forces larger and stronger force them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yoko Ono's Got Nothing on Jensen Ackles

**Author's Note:**

> A quick note for AO3 readers - I am a barely functioning computer illiterate. I couldn't figure out how to do different fonts for the different media and POVs. If you would like to read with those in place check the story out at my LJ, though I don't think it is strictly necessary. Thanks!

Disclaimer: Obviously I am taking liberties that we could all argue I shouldn’t, but so help me I just can’t stop. None of this ever happened, no one in this story is close to their real world counterparts, and no harm is intended. (If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended,….Give me your hands, if we be friends and Robin shall restore amends. – Shakespeare)

Misha Collins September, 2013

I have always considered myself a journalist, a serious writer, hell a fucking great writer. It never bothered me that I write about music and as such am more likely to be assigned to cover another The Who reunion concert rather than the mounting tensions between Pakistan and India. I don’t have some inferiority complex and when my buddies from Columbia give me grief I gladly remind them of my Hillman prize. I received it for an article I did on the buskers of the New York subways for The Village Voice. It had been a rocking piece of writing, had given two artists the push they needed into the big time and garnered me a top journalism prize before I even turned 23. I love to watch Morgan’s face when I throw that back at him. The dude write's for Newsweek and he's damn good, but thinks there's 'real news' and then what I do. I never doubted that music and specifically rock and roll, were where the heart of my writing lay. I didn’t have time for pretentious writers who had no idea how important music is, how it affects people’s lives. 

In short I've never felt even a moment of doubt about what I do. Until today that is. Today I moved beyond doubt to shame. I learned that music doesn’t hold a candle to the power of words. Today I realized that words can hurt; my words can hurt. And at the time I hadn't given it a second thought. I wrote what I did based on assumptions, not facts and it was something I shouldn't have been writing about anyway. 'Cause I'm a journalist dammit not a gossip columnist! 

Six months ago rock star extraordinaire, Mr. Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll, lead guitarist of Violent Reaction got married…to a man! Okay, so the guy had always owned up to being bi-sexual, reveled in it actually. One of Violent Reaction’s top hits was “Two Way Street”, an ode to the joys of going both ways. No one really gave it much attention, but as soon as the marriage went public the proverbial shit hit the fan. I mean come on, can people be anymore hypocritical? Sure, it was okay for the guy to say he liked having sex with men and women, cause hell everyone knows Bowie and Jagger got it on and that’s hot as hell, but that’s okay cause they settled down with women (or well you know repeatedly settled down with women). Same thing goes for Billie Joe Armstrong- sure he's bi, but he's got a wife and kids so that's a-okay. Jared Padalecki, equally open about his bisexuality, settles down with a guy and everyone loses their shit. People can be pretty fucking hypocritical, including me. 

 

2010 Cadillac Escalade ESV  
Approaching the Hollywood and Highland Intersection  
Los Angeles, CA 90028  
June 5 2012

Jared was definitely done with this crap. His life had become a goddamn parody of itself. He was the epitome of the self-obsessed, entitled, drunk-ass rock star. He was loved by millions, freakin' millions but he still spent his nights either with a quick meaningless fuck, his band mates in some reeking tour bus, or all the fuck alone. He never saw his family and couldn't imagine going to sleep without drinking enough Jack to put down a small elephant (though Denny always said he was a small elephant so there you go). It was time to get out before he died the cliché he'd lived. So he had told the band he quit and they had taken it about as badly as he had expected. Mike had laughed and asked what the punch line was, Tom had nodded his head obviously unsurprised, and Denny had pitched a fit. But, there was no changing his mind. He had no idea what it was that he wanted, but it wasn't this. Besides the critics had hated the last album. He had poured his soul into the songs; had shared his deepest thoughts, doubts, and fears. Apparently that wasn't what people wanted from Violent Reaction though and he hadn't been able to write anything since. 

So he was calling it quits. Or, at least he wanted to call it quits. The label's legal team was fighting him. His band mates were guilting him. And their manager was threatening him. Being in a successful band was kind of like being in the army. You couldn't just leave when the shooting started. They were headed to a photo-shoot for the upcoming tour's promotional materials. The Escalade was quiet, but Jared knew that Denny was just gearing up for his latest "Why are you being such an asshole Padalecki?" rant. Denny Myers was the lead singer of Violent Reaction and had been Jared's best friend since high school. They had spent countless hours smoking in the bathroom, when they should have been in class. There were hours of talking shit about hitting the big time. But they did more than talk. They worked hard, put together band after band, and with Jared's songwriting and Denny's oh so sexy rock 'n roll voice they knew they were gonna make it. Before the could even get their diplomas they took off for LA and started looking for the perfect drummer and bassist to finish the group. 

Tom Welling was everything that a bassist should be - calm, steady, and could find the beat in a car wreck. Mike Rosenbaum was everything a drummer shouldn't be but always seemed to be, dammit. He was straight up crazy, unpredictable, and brilliant. He was their very own Moon the Loon. The first time they played together all four knew that they were headed for great things. And now Jared was ending it. He couldn't really blame them for being pissed.

"I just don't get it Padalecki." Denny starts…again…for the hundredth time. "We've got it pretty sweet right now. Do you know how many bands would like to be in our shoes? And what? You get a couple bad reviews and you wanna take your ball and go home? Jesus you're a selfish bastard."

"It's not the reviews Denny and you know it. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Don't you want something more than recording an album, going on tour, playing and drinking and fucking? Rinse and repeat?"

"No man. I really don't need anything else and you never complained before. Jesus you chase more tail, drink more booze, and play your music harder then the three of us combined. You could slow down a bit without leaving the band and screwing it up for the rest of us."

Tom looked up at that. "He has a point Jared. It doesn't have to be one or the other, does it?"

"I know man. I just don't think I can be in the life and not, you know, live it. I don't wanna fuck things up for you guys." Even though he and Denny had been through more together, his anger was much easier to take than Tom's quiet disappointment. "You can find another guitarist. Just 'cause I'm quitting doesn't mean you guys have to."

"I happen to know you've never been naive so don't go pretending on me now, man. What are you telling me; just what the actual fuck are you trying to say? You leave and everything just, you know, keeps humming along for us. What the hell man? You know that you and me are this band. We leave the whole thing goes to crap." Denny shouted oblivious to the looks both Mike and Tom shoot him. The guy could be an asshole a good 95% of the time, but in this case he wasn't wrong. He and Jared were the face of the band. Wasn’t fair, but it was true. They were the faces on the magazines. 

"Sure Tommy and I could tour the world, just the two of us. What should we call ourselves? How about ‘Tom and the Hot Drummer’ Or ‘Bringing Sexy Back’? No, I've got it ‘Lead Singers and Guitarists are Raging Douchebags’." Mike cackled and punched Tom in the shoulder. The other man grinned and shoved the bald man back. Jared had the sense to at least feel a little guilty. He was causing all of this. 

"Shut up!” bellowed Amanda. Amanda Tapping was all kinds of scary. Everything about her screamed ‘I will kill you without any remorse and I know exactly where to hide the body so no one will ever find you’ and had a reputation to back it up. When Jared opened his mouth she pointed a red painted nail at him. "All of you! We're here and I want you all to behave. This photographer is pretty new and I don't know how the kid will handle your special brand of crazy and stupid, but he took those shots for Kane’s new album cover and the higher ups like him. So just shut up and do your damn job. Take the pictures, make nice to him and more importantly the label brass that are here to convince Jared that it's in his best legal interest to get over himself and get back to work." Her finger had never wavered from his face. 

Jared knew that this was not the moment to argue his case, especially since he didn't really know what his case was. That didn't stop his mind from whirling around and around. He was 26 years old and he didn't know what the hell he wanted. That was until they entered the photo studio and he saw the most beautiful man he'd ever laid eyes on. 

 

Denny Myers September 2013

Okay, yeah. Yeah I know, I mean I’m what do they say ‘aware’ that I can be an asshole. But the thing is … the truth is that I don’t really give a rat’s ass. A microscope powerful enough has not been invented to measure the fucks I give about what anyone else thinks about me. And yeah, Jared and me have been friends since before we knew what our dicks were for, but that don’t mean I gotta just let him do whatever he wants. He isn’t happy? Well boo fuckin’ hoo. Nobody’s happy. I just wanted him to get over whatever the hell had gotten into him so the best thing in my life, this fucking band, didn’t get shot to shit. And just when I thought I was gonna have to brainwash or blackmail or whatever the stupid son of a bitch the whole thing gets solved by a pair of green eyes in a pretty face. Hey, I’m as straight as they come, but even I could see that the kid was attractive. Man, at the time all I could think was ‘Oh the stupid fucker just needed to get laid.’ So yeah as much as I came to hate him, Jensen Ackles saved my band.

 

EMI Music Publishing  
10635 Santa Monica Blvd.  
Los Angeles, CA 90025  
June 5 2012

Jared

Jared had to do a double take as they were introduced to the photographer, Jensen Ackles. He had never seen anyone so beautiful in his entire life. He was tall with dirty blond hair and adorable freckles across his nose and cheeks which tinted pink with excitement as he told them how he couldn’t wait to get started and how his friend Chris Kane had told him they were a blast to work with and what his ideas were for the shoot. The kid couldn’t have been legal to drink yet but the green eyes that shone out of that youthful face held a certain wisdom that he had never experienced. That could be because Jared lived with some seriously immature bastards, and Mike proved that point almost immediately.

“Hey, Jared hows about you wait ‘til after the photo-shoot to get in the kid’s pants.”

“Yeah, you might wanna turn down the volume on that stare a bit,” Tom added poking Jared in the ribs. “I think you’re making him blush.”

“Jesus, assholes. Shut up,” he hissed jamming his elbow into Tom’s side in retaliation. He turned back to the photographer and saw that he was indeed blushing all down his cheeks and under the Johnny Cash tour t-shirt he was wearing. “I’m sorry about them. I think Kane may have confused ‘fun’ with ‘raging pain in the ass’” 

“Yeah, well it’s true that the guy has a strange idea of a good time,” the kid replied, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. He was having a hard time meeting Jared’s eyes. “How about we get started?”

Jensen

Jensen didn’t quite know what to make of the guys from Violent Reaction. They followed direction and were open to his ideas, which mostly hinged on showing the band in a softer light than in past publicity materials. Their last album is what gave him the idea. He hadn’t ever really listened to them before, but when he got the gig he downloaded all their albums. He listened to all five of them over and over again and enjoyed them for the most part. There was a certain rock n roll arrogance that he found almost charming especially when the band was revealing parts of themselves that their demographic would normally be really uncomfortable with. How they made a song declaring the joys of bisexuality a top ten hit was beyond him. However, it was the last album with its increasingly frenetic beats and lyrics of undirected longing that got him. These guys were just like everyone else. Violent Reaction exploded the myth of the rock god while at the same time living it; embracing it. 

To that end he was working on a completely white set and using black and white photography. The idea was to get to the essential qualities of each one. He talked to the guys while he snapped picture after picture trusting his eye and his body to capture the perfect moments.

Mike was crazy. There was just no two ways about it. He had a quick wit and didn’t take himself too seriously. But Jensen had a notion that there was some artifice to the craziness. There was something else going on there, he just had to find it. Somehow they ended up talking about old movies and he mentioned how much he loved Breakfast at Tiffany’s. And there it was, that perfect moment. 

“Ah, yeah. Audrey Hepburn.” Mike sighed. And suddenly there was a gentle softness where there had been goofy guile. All it took was the well timed snap of the aperture and he had it.

Tom was a bit easier. Jensen liked the guy without even having to try. Tom was the one doing most of the talking, his voice slow and smooth just like his bass playing. The thing was that Tom is ridiculously attractive and Jensen was ridiculously inexperienced. Being around attractive men still made him a bit tongue-tied. Welling was an intuitive son of a bitch ‘cause he picked up on Jensen’s discomfort pretty quickly. 

“So…” he says all molasses slow, “who’s better looking me or Jared?” 

It’s just his good instincts that allow Jensen to get the shot of Tom with his eyebrow raised in humor and challenge.

“Um…well…” Jensen doesn’t know what to say because Tom’s pretty damn hot, but Jared, well, Jared is something else. “You’re very…”

“Don’t hurt yourself kid. I saw how you two were looking at each other. I think my ego can take it.”

Denny Myers was made to command a room. The guy was bigger than life. All sex and swagger, confident and cocksure. Not exactly Jensen’s type though he was pretty sure the feeling was mutual. He was hetero to the max and Jensen didn’t get the feeling he was overcompensating. Denny and Jared had founded the band when they were still in high school adding Mike and Tom later when they got to LA. Denny was the lead singer of Violent Reaction and damn but he could sing. Plenty of front men have the swagger for rock and plenty have the pipes, Denny had both plus something hard to define. It was the same thing that made Robert Plant completely magnetic, it was the same thing that had people wearing t-shirts declaring Joey Ramone King of Punk 10 years after his death. It was the thing that had men and women alike falling to their knees in ecstasy when Freddie Mercury proclaimed “I am a sex machine ready to reload Like an atom bomb about to Oh oh oh oh oh explode.” It was all that and more and Denny Myers had it in spades. Jensen told him as much and also made sure that his second favorite Violent Reaction song was playing, during his individual shoot. It was Denny’s singing that sold the pure sex of “Taken Tonight”. It was the only one of their songs that had been on his iPod already. It was a song he listened to a lot. 

The problem was that no matter what he did, Jensen couldn’t get the man to reveal himself. He knew that it was Jared who wrote the music so the revealing nature of the words weren’t Denny’s, but you couldn’t sing the way the man did without it being your soul you were putting out there. But there Denny sat, posing for picture after picture and none of them were gonna do. He was gonna have to take a chance, maybe get too personal.

“The critics didn’t like this last album.”

Denny tensed up. “Yeah well what do those bastards know?”

The camera kept clicking away as Jensen took a breath. “I’m not sure you liked the last album.”

There was complete silence in the room. “Really. Where’d you hear that?”

“In your singing. Normally, like in this song,” Jensen said pointing up to the speakers where Denny could be heard growling out his ownership and submission in equal measures, “you own the world. No, you own the listener. People listen to this song and get off, you know. On Walking on Water you sound like the words aren’t your own.”

“Well, they aren’t. They’re Jared’s. I guess I don’t understand what he’s trying to say on this album. But I don’t need to understand shit to sing it. Never have. I just gotta believe in me and every girl in the room is gonna want me. How do you think I sing a song about likin’ dick just as much as pussy? ‘Cause that ain’t my truth it’s Jayman’s. But that don’t matter. I just gotta sing it like it’s the only truth. Besides I trust Jared, so fuck everyone else.” And it isn’t the whole truth, but it’s enough and there is a second where Denny’s eyes search out over Jensen’s shoulder, looking for Jared he thinks, and he just hopes he’s captured it. Trust, caught on film. 

When Jared walks up for his individuals, Jensen just about swallows his tongue. The guitarist is just so damn handsome. He’s sure he must have seen a picture before, but apparently they never did him justice, because Jensen would remember; would have been prepared for today. As it is he is even more flustered than he was with Tom. Tom is handsome; Jared is that and something more. He hasn’t felt so…so young in a while. He’s had insta-crushes before. In fact, he kind of runs that way. Infatuation was a very familiar emotion. He’d crushed on Chris forever. Hell, he’d figured out he was gay, so very definitely gay looking at the cover of a Kane album. But that was so different from this. This felt like unfamiliar territory. 

 

Tom Welling September 2013

I knew before either of those idiots. They were, are, soul mates. Go ahead and laugh, but it’s true. I saw it the moment they laid eyes on each other. Okay, okay, maybe I just thought they were eye fucking each other and thought it would be beyond hot. My mind strays sometimes. It was later that I figured out the soul mate thing. Jensen has this thing he does during a photo-shoot where he talks to you. He just figures out how to draw the real you out. That’s how he got that shot of Britney. Anyway he’s talking to Jared all stuttering and nervous and adorable and dammit if Jared isn’t in exactly the same place. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but there was this moment where everything went still and Jared is just looking up at the kid and looks about to cry and I’m telling you right here Jared never fucking cries. He’s nodding his head and Jensen just walks up to him and leans in and whispers something in his ear. They’re standing like that for a while and I realize that the hairs on my arm are standing up. There was a fucking electrical charge in the air. It was crazy. Mike, who was almost as oblivious as Denny, was telling me later he thought there was a ghost in the studio. To this day he tells chicks the story of how he felt a ghost in a photo studio in West Hollywood. Crazy motherfucker. 

 

EMI Music Publishing  
10635 Santa Monica Blvd.  
Los Angeles, CA 90025  
June 5, 2012

Jared

Jared didn’t know if Jensen just knew he had listened to every word of every conversation he had with his band mates, but he did. He heard him pretty much admit that he thought he was better looking than Tom. More importantly he all but got Denny to admit he didn’t like Walking on Water, something he’s never gotten even close to, though he knew it on a gut level. It had hurt at first, but hearing that his friend had still trusted him enough to go with it had soothed the sting. It also added to his guilt over quitting. He finally got why Denny was taking the whole thing so, so badly. It was a betrayal. All of it was rolling around and around in his skull practically making him dizzy, it was either that or it was how breathtaking the kid was. 

He had talked up a storm with the rest of the guys, but now he was almost mute. Giving occasional directions to keep Jared in his light line, but not much else. 

“So,” he started as Jensen began snapping pictures. Jared didn’t quite know what to do with himself. Most photographers had him with his guitar and expected him to strike the guitar hero pose, take the picture, done and done. Jensen just had him standing against a white backdrop in nothing but his jeans and t-shirt. He’d been photographed wearing less, but right then he felt naked as a porn star. He just didn’t know what to do with himself. “Um, you want me to get my guitar?”

“What?” Jensen looked truly puzzled.

“My guitar. Usually you guys want me to have my guitar.”

“Do you want your guitar? I wasn’t planning on um, but if you…well.” The blush was back in all its glory and Jared was completely flustered. He’d never been that awkward with anyone. 

They lapsed into silence again with only Jensen’s camera breaking the tension or amping it up depending on your perspective. Actually that’s not true, Jared realized that there was music playing. There had been all day. He focused on that and tried to place the song. 

“You like Blind Faith? Or did you figure I like the oldies?” He really hadn’t meant that to come snappish hadn’t even been feeling offended, but his voice is definitely angry. Jensen obviously hears the anger as his eyes widen. Jared internally facepalms.

“Oh, um, I… Well it’s all from my iPod, but I did pick songs that I thought fit each of you or would be a good talking point. I like to talk during a shoot. It settles my nerves and helps me to get to know people. I’m kind of shy, I guess.”

“Oh,” Oh indeed Jared. You dickhead. “So why did you pick this one for me?”

“Because you understand it.”

“I do? What makes you say that?”

“Well, I listened to Walking on Water a lot getting ready for this and I realized that you and Steve Winwood were talking about the same thing. You know what he means when he says he’s at the end. When I was… I used to think that the song was about dying. You know I though he was writing a song about some kid going off to Vietnam or something. I was in a place where that’s what I read into it. Letting go of the body and, you know, going home. But when I was listening to your “Train Stop Blues” I got it.” Jensen had stopped taking pictures and was just looking straight at Jared, who looked a little stunned by the outburst. 

“What? What did you get? Cause I’m not even sure what the hell I meant anymore.” He wished he could stop sounding angry. He wished the emotions he’d been pushing and shoving around for the last year weren’t threatening to come rushing right the hell out.

“A soul can get so lost it doesn’t know where home even is anymore. That you can travel so far and lose so much that even waiting for the special person isn’t enough of an anchor. I’m so sorry you feel that way Jared.” Jensen had moved right up into his personal space. He leaned in to whisper in his ear. “It must be so scary. I’ve never really left home. I haven’t traveled at all, actually or metaphorically.” Jensen chewed on his bottom lip for a bit. “I wish I could…I guess I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“And I’ve done nothing wrong. I can’t find my way home.” Young Stevie Winwood sang out from the speakers and Jared didn’t even realize he had been close to crying. 

“It will get better. I promise.” Just as he said it, the camera snaped and they both jumped and Jared started to laugh.

“You wanna go out with me? After this?” he asks nervousness forgotten. He wanted this enchanting creature. He wanted very badly.

“How about we get through the shoot and then we’ll see.” Jensen’s blush was back and they got down to business. 

Jared loosened up and they talked music for the rest of the time. Jensen took a lot of pictures, but it is the one he took accidentally that ends up being used. It is an extreme close-up looking up at Jared, hints of possible tears evident and Jensen’s mouth next to his jaw. Jensen thought it was too private, but Jared thought it was perfect. It was completely and truthfully him. 

 

Voicemail message from Christian Kane  
5:15pm June 8, 2012 

‘Hey there son. Been a coupla days since I heard from you. You doin’ okay? How did the thing with Violent Reaction go? I heard things got kind of tense with Padalecki. Something you wanna tell me, kid? Am I getting’ replaced?’ 

 

Voicemail message from Jensen Ackles  
11:30pm June 10, 2012

‘Hi Chris. Sorry I haven’t called; been busy. Yeah, um. I guess you maybe have been replaced. I just got back from a date with him. I really like him Chris. Its scary, but I really really like him. I’ll see you soon right? Can’t wait for the show. See ya.’

 

The Little Door  
8164 West 3rd Street  
Los Angeles, CA 90048  
June 10, 2012 

The First Date

“So how do you know the guys from Kane?” 

“Oh, um, well. I’m in love Chris.”

“Really. Should you really be on date with me then?” Jared tried to sound like he was joking but everything was going to hell and they weren’t finished with the appetizer yet.

“Yes. Definitely. Christian Kane is totally straight and it’s time I got over being in love with him.” Jensen said, sounding cryptic.

“There’s quite an age difference if you don’t mind my saying. How did you meet him, anyway?”

“I guess I’m going to have to tell you the whole story.” Jensen took a sip of his sweet tea (so damn Texas it made Jared’s heart ache for home he hadn’t been able to call home in a damn long time). “He was my wish.”

The whole story? That wasn’t even the beginning of a story. “Come again.”

Jensen laughed nervously and took a deep breath. “Have you ever heard of the Make a Wish Foundation?”

“Yeah, ofcourse.”

“I had leukemia. I’ve been in remission for almost three years. But when I was seventeen it didn’t look like I was gonna make it to eighteen. I had exhausted every chemo drug they could give me and no one in my family was a match for a bone marrow transplant. My parents moved me to palliative care and were waiting to bury their son.”

“Jesus, Jensen. I had no idea. But you’re okay now, right?” Jared didn’t seem aware that he had reached out to grab Jensen’s hand. 

“Yeah. I made it. I’m okay. Anyway, at the time things weren’t looking so good so the Make a Wish Foundation moved me to the top of the list and all I wanted to do was go to a Kane concert. I had listened to All In practically non-stop during my last round of chemo. It meant a lot to me. And, God this is so embarrassing.” Jensen buried his face in his hands. “I kind figured out I was gay because that album cover. I mean I saw Chris and it wasn’t just a vague sort of ‘I think I might like guys’ kind of thing anymore. I had an immediate reaction, if you know what I mean.”

“You popped a boner!”

“Oh jeez, make this more awkward could you. Anyway it was more than just that. I listened to the music, listened to him and I, um, I fell in love.” 

“Oh.” Jared felt a little uncomfortable with the way Jensen said ‘fell in love’, like he had a few pages missing from his script. The whole idea seemed so foreign.

“Yeah, so I went to the concert, met the guys backstage, and then there was this moment when Chris and I were alone and I figured what the hell. I didn’t want to die never having kissed someone. So I did.”

“Holy shit. You kissed Christian Kane. I made a pass at the guy a few years ago and got my play handed back to me with a ‘no thank you’ and a ‘y’all are barking up the wrong tree son’”

“Yeah about the same as me. But then…he’s a lot kinder than people give him credit for. He told me it took guts to do what I did. And then well, he kissed me. A real kiss, for good luck he said. And I’ve spent the last three years carrying a torch for a straight guy fifteen years older than me. Not that I’m complaining. He’s my best friend and going to that show saved my life. Steve Carlson knew this doctor who was working on bone marrow transplants without genetically matching donors. A week later I was in Los Angeles sick as I’ve ever been but preparing for the transplant.”

“I don’t really know what to say. I must seem like a whiney brat to you.”

“No! Don’t do that. It’s just a thing that happened to me. I don’t like it when people…when I’m made out to be some kind of hero. It was awful and I hated it. I wasn’t brave, I was scared outta my mind the whole time. Cancer doesn’t make me special, please don’t make the cancer special.”

“Okay. But I do think we need to talk about this Christian Kane thing. Is it okay that I’m insanely jealous?”

“Well, it is only the first date. Not sure you can be…”

“But a first date implies a second, right?”

“Yeah.” Jensen looked down to their joined hands and smiled even though his cheeks were blushing crimson. “I’d like that.”

 

Cedars-Sinai Medical Center  
8700 Beverly Blvd.  
Los Angeles, CA 90048  
June 16, 2012 

The Second Date

“Oh God, Jared. I’m so sorry. I…I almost killed you. I can’t believe I didn’t ask. I just.”

“Hey, hey it’s okay. I should have let you know I’m allergic to strawberries.”

“It’s okay? It’s okay!? How can you say that. Jared you stopped breathing. If my neighbor hadn’t had an epi-pen… I don’t think the ambulance would have. Oh God.”

“Don’t cry. Jensen, please don’t cry. I’m fine. The doc said he wasn’t even going to keep me overnight. This is all my fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I was so scared Jared.”

“Come here.” Jensen goes to him easily; lets Jared pull his head down to his chest. “Hear that. Still pumping away. Now that I’ve found you I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Coronet Theatre  
366 N. La Cienega Blvd.  
Los Angeles, CA 90048  
June 29, 2012 

The Third Date

 

“Jared! Jared over here!”

“Jared over here.”

“Jared who’s your date?”

“Can I get a picture Jared?”

“Jared! Who’s the guy?”

“Jared!”

“TMZ reported you were in the hospital with an overdose. Do you want to comment?”

“Jared!”

 

From: jackles@photospot.net  
Subject: crazy  
Date: June 30, 2012 9:01:29 AM PST  
To: mariaackles@gmail.com

I don’t think I can do this mama. I like Jared. I think I might even love him, but I don’t think I can live this kind of life. There were so many cameras and the screaming. It was crazy and terrifying. What if I can’t do it? Jared seemed totally cool and I was ten seconds from bolting the whole time. But I really can’t imagine my life without him, which is crazy because we’re just getting to know each other. What am I gonna do mama?  
Love to dad, Jensen

 

Jared’s 1964 Chevy El Camino  
The Pacific Coast Highway  
South of Mugu Rock  
July 7,2012 

The Fourth Date (Almost the Last Date)

“What the hell Jared. Pull the hell over and let me out!”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re driving like a maniac and I want the hell out of this deathtrap on wheels.”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere Jensen. I’m not leaving you by the side of the road.”

“I don’t care. There was a gas station a mile or so back. I’ll walk.”

“You’ll walk? Jesus Jensen I’m not even driving that fast.”

“Fast enough. You’re scaring the crap out of me. God you’re so crazy.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll slow down. Let’s just get to the… Hey what are you doing?”

“Texting Chris. He’s in town. I’m getting him to come pick me up. Now pull over and let me out, now!”

“Goddammit, fine. You’re the one being crazy. You wanna run to Chris then I guess that tells me where this thing with us is going. But I’m not going to leave you by the side of the road. I’ll drive super slow and get you to Chris’ house in one beautiful piece, okay princess?”

“I’m not crazy. I just…”

“Enough Jensen. If you keep talking Imma say something I’ll really regret.”

 

Voice Message found on Jared Padalecki’s phone  
July 10, 2012 

“I’m…I’m so sorry Jared. I was an asshole and I… I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am. I know you don’t understand what happened the other night and I wish, God I wish you hadn’t seen that side of me. I’m a freak Jared. A scared outta my mind freak. People think that ‘cause I survived cancer that nothing scares me, but really everything does. I’ve always been kind of, whattya you call it, anxious? And then with being sick my parents tried to shelter me and so …”

“Your voice mail cut me off. Anyway I just need you to know that I’m afraid of everything Jared, of driving fast and flying and dogs and getting sick again and sometimes even crossing the street. I kissed Chris ‘cause I was dying, but I’ve been too scared to do anything else with anyone so I’m the only 20 year old virgin in LA. I’m just…I’m sorry and I miss you so much it hurts. I always thought that was bullshit, but it really honest to God hurts. Well, I um, just wanted you to know that. Bye. I miss you, Jared.”

 

Christian Kane September 2013

Was I jealous? I mean that’s what you’re essentially asking me. I don’t know how many times I have to tell people that there never was anything between Jensen Ackles and me. I dig women, he digs men and we’re just friends. But I guess I felt, well I wasn’t so sure that Jared was the best thing for him. I may not be in love with Jensen, but I do love the kid. I have since the moment I met him. Something about the guy just makes you want to, I don’t know, take care of him. So yeah, what was I saying, oh yeah Jared. Here comes this guy who sweeps Jen off his feet and I know a bit about him. I know that he’s good enough for getting a drink with, playing a gig with, but I also know he’s got a wild side and let me tell you Jen doesn’t do wild. And the thing is I was used to Jen calling me or texting or whatever almost everyday and then he had Jared and…shit. Yeah I guess I was jealous of the bastard.

 

Santa Monica State Beach  
Santa Monica, CA 90403  
July 12, 2012

“I wasn’t angry because you were scared. I guess I wish I had known before we went on a road trip that you had a car thing, but that’s not the problem.”

Jensen looked up at Jared. “What are you angry about then? Because I’d be pretty pissed at someone who went apeshit on me for no reason.”

“You had a reason. You just didn’t give me a chance to understand. You chose Chris over just telling me the truth. I won’t compete with him Jensen. I get that what you have with him is important and I don’t want to take that away from you, but I’m trying really hard to do this relationship thing because I think you are probably going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Turns out I’m a jealous bitch though, cause I won’t share your heart with Christian Kane or anybody. If you have a problem - you tell me. You’re pissed at me – you tell me. Anything at all – you tell me. Can you do that baby boy?”

Jensen’s eyes widened at both the term of endearment and the vehemence of Jared’s pronouncement. “Yeah. I’ll…I …Yeah, I can do that. I’m so sorry Jared.”

“No more sorrys. I forgive you.” He took Jensen’s hand and kissed the knuckles. “So… a virgin, huh?”

 

Michael Rosenbaum September 2013

I figure we were pretty much dead in the water before Jensen came along. Jared was one DUI from the Lindsey Lohan memorial room at the Betty Ford Center. He’s not a bad guy. He’s not an asshole, but he was ungrounded. I know that sounds weird coming from me. I’m ungrounded, but I like it that way. It’s natural for me, but I’m just enlightened like that. Jared just isn’t built that way. Oh I’m sure he thought that he was. Thought he was the badass lead guitarist. Drinkin’ Jack, fucking the second most attractive person in the room (he’s usually the first), and writing songs about it all. But the truth is that Jared is a white picket fence kind of guy. He just didn’t know it. People are like that, but I can tell from their auras what they’re really about. So he spent a hell of a long time trying to be one way and getting more and more miserable. He was gonna quit the band ‘cause he was miserable, and we all would have been screwed. Asshole. Selfish fucking asshole. Then what happens? He gets Jensen. Lucky, selfish fucking asshole. Ah well, I got to keep drumming in the best rock band in the world. Tom’s got this whole romantic idea about it. “Jared and Jensen are soulmates, Mikey.” Whatever, they’re hot, Jensen isn’t an asshole, and, oh yeah, I get to keep drumming in a great rock band. Hmmm, I just figured out something. Maybe I’m the selfish asshole. Ah well, I can live with that.

 

Greystone Manor  
643 N. La Cienaga Blvd.  
West Hollywood, CA 90069  
July 20, 2012

Jensen 

Greystone was not exactly Jensen’s kind of place. He was enjoying the music. Electronica wasn’t his usual poison, but this group was inventive, and had an infectious quality that had him bobbing his head and swaying next to where he stood close up to Jared’s side. But, the see and be seen attitude pulsing through the VIP room was grating. Getting into the club had been a nail-biting experience. The press was even pushier than ever and had directed questions at him; knew his name now. But they were inside the velvet rope now and among people more famous than Violent Reaction. He had been hit on no less four times, and while that should give him an ego-boost he didn’t find it enjoyable. First of all they were all girls (who all knew he was there with Jared so he wasn’t really sure what that was about), and secondly Jared really was the jealous type, nearly growling at each girl in turn. They would probably need to talk about that at some point.

So, no this wasn’t his scene, but they were there to celebrate Tom’s birthday and Jensen really liked the guy and wanted to be a part of the party. And besides he had just had a check-up and his blood work had pronounced him still in remission so he had his own private reasons to celebrate. There was also the matter of his lingering virginity that he was screwing up his courage to say a final goodbye to. He chuckled at his unintentionally punny use of words, garnering a look from Jared.

“What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing. Just getting into my own head. Sorry.”

“No sorrys tonight. You havin’ fun, baby boy?” Jared leaned down to kiss Jensen on his neck behind his ear in that place that made him want to melt, or burn up, or just surrender. God it was good. If sex with Jared was as good as this than he shouldn’t have had any doubts.

“Yeah, the band is great and Tom looks like he’s having fun.” Jensen lifted his chin towards Tom who was surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls all vying to be the one sitting in the rockstar’s lap. “I don’t know about all these girls though. You’d think the fact that we’re obviously together would give them a clue, but… The one from that vampire show keeps touching my…” He was cut off by Jared’s lips on his hot and dirty, Jared’s tongue in his mouth bumping up against his, and Jared’s hands on his hips tight and possessive. 

When the kiss melted into gentle lips against lips and shared breathing Jared said on a slow exhale, “That should get the message across. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” Jensen responded breath rough and deep; blissed out.

Jared laughed and raised his hand to the bar. “You want another beer, or maybe you’re ready to try some whiskey?”

“No, no I’m good, maybe a Coke though.” 

“Mmm, my good boy.”

Jensen didn’t really have a high tolerance for alcohol. The part of a teenager’s life where they experiment with sex and booze and sometimes drugs had passed him by when he was sick. His drugs had been Cytoxan and Diflucan and they didn’t really count. So other than the occasional beer, he just didn’t really care for it; never felt the need to push his limits. Now Jared, Jared was a different story altogether.

Jared

It wasn’t the first time Jared had brought Jensen out to a club, but it was the first time to a club like this. Greystone Manor was the place to see and be seen. The music wasn’t really his thing, but that wasn’t really the reason to be there. The VIP room was where you got seen, got drunk, got tail. Not that he was looking to hook up, but it had been a damn long time since he had really let loose and the Jack was calling him out, offering a good time just like a good buddy should. There was a vague niggling at the back of his mind that this was a bad idea, that this was what he had been trying to get away from, but he shut that down quick. He needed to fucking tie one on. And he was good now. It wasn’t like before when he would get shitfaced every night party or not, alone or not. He had Jensen now. That was what was wrong before, not the drinking. The waitress, a cute probably wannabe actress, who leaned down to give him a good view of her cleavage brought him his Patrón straight, no salt and lime needed with the top shelf tequila. It was a long way away from the days of dive bars and Sauza. Motherfuckers should have paid him to drink that shit. 

Besides there were too many girls moving in on his guy, even that boyband kid had made a play. It was starting to piss him off. Wasn’t it obvious that Jensen was there with him, was his. The kiss they shared should have made it crystal clear, but just in case…

“Come on. Let’s dance baby boy,” he drawled into Jensen’s ear, moving back to empty his glass. 

His beautiful boy just looked up at him, pupils suddenly blown wide and nodded his head. They moved down the stairs of the VIP room to the crowded dance floor. The music was slow, but beat driven - perfect for the grind Jared had in mind. Jensen was right there with him hips slotting perfectly against his, arms draped casually around his neck. But it wasn’t enough. Jared pulled him tighter with large hands braced on Jensen’s gorgeous ass and again claimed his mouth. Every move telegraphing ‘mine, mine, mine!’ It was great. It was glorious. 

Maybe tonight would be the night they would move past kissing, making out, heavy fucking petting, and handjobs to the main show. God he was ready. He didn’t regret letting Jensen set the pace, but God was he ready for more. This was the night he was sure of it. Maybe one more drink and they would get the hell out of there.

 

perezhilton.com July 21,2012

The hotties of Violent Reaction partied hard in the Greystone Manor VIP room.  
The man of the hour was birthday boy Tom Welling. And why shouldn’t he be. The ladies were showing lots of love. Who says the bassist never gets any attention.  
The real show was Jared Padalecki and his hot new boytoy Jensen Ackles, though. The guitarist and his photographer boyfriend danced nice and hot for those lucky enough to have gotten into the party.

 

Jared Padalecki’s Residence  
8833 Wonderland Avenue Laurel Canyon  
July 21, 2012

Jared

Jared woke up feeling like shit, no death, no like something that had curled up and died inside a rotting corpse. Patrón may have gone down smoother, but the hangover wasn’t a whole lot different from the cheapest tequila drunk straight from the bar mat (not that he had ever done such a disgusting thing). The sun, entering his large floor to ceiling bedroom windows, was shining through his eyelids bright red and pulsing so he figured opening his eyes couldn’t make it worse. He was wrong - knife to the brain wrong. 

Jensen

Jensen felt when Jared’s breathing changed and his muscles tensed. He had been awake for a while, but didn’t really feel the need to move from his boyfriend’s side where he was warm and comfortable. The night before may have been a bust in the sex department, but that didn’t mean this wasn’t good. Jared had a bit too much to drink. If by too much you meant enough to drop a full grown moose. So when they had stumbled up the stairs and fell into Jared’s bed Jensen’s plan to cash in his V card hit a roadblock. Jared had pushed him to the bed and promptly gone down on him. Not really a bad roadblock per se, but not the plan. Kind of hard to say no to something that feels so damn good, and that alone wouldn’t have derailed things but as soon as Jensen came Jared had simply taken himself in hand, took care of business, and promptly passed out. Not the hot romantic night he had envisioned. 

He had managed to get them both undressed and under the covers before allowing himself to drift off, virginity firmly in place.

 

Collins Residence  
Red Square  
250 East Houston Street  
Lower East Side New York, NY 10002  
July 20, 2012 

Misha’s bi-monthly poker game was a tradition amongst his Columbia cohorts. It might have had something to do with the 5 year old Glenlivet, or the sandwiches from Katz’s, or maybe even the fact that his wife is the most attractive woman in the five boroughs. Anyway this hot Saturday night found seven journalists around the poker table shooting the shit in that way only journalists had. It was like Hemingway met Neil Cavuto and these were their crazed love children. One upmanship wasn’t even the word for it. Matt Cohen was regaling them with stories from covering the Supreme Court (“I knew they were gonna uphold Obamacare. I could have written the article they day before and got some more sleep!”) and Chad Lindberg was letting everyone know how he had been picked personally by the editor-in-chief of the New York Times to head the investigation into corruption at the cities Gang Prevention Taskforce. (“That bastard knows no one else can get the skinny like me.”) Pretty much the usual. The only thing that was missing was…

“So what are you working on Collins? What earth shattering news from the music world? An exposé on Taylor Swift’s new clothes and old boyfriend?” Jeffrey Dean Morgan asked and then pretended to hide his smug smile in his glass of whiskey. 

Misha opened his mouth to respond and give the jerk a piece of his mind, but was saved by his wife. She dropped his Hillman Award plaque in front Morgan and put her hand on his shoulder. “Now let’s not insult my husband in his own living room shall we gentleman. Behave yourself Jeffrey.” She kissed the top of Misha’s head and elegantly sauntered out of the room. “Not too late now fellas. I’ll be needing my husband later,” she threw over her shoulder. 

“Ahh. My wife guys. I’ll allow you to gloat about your stories all you’d like if you’ll allow me to gloat about her.” He tried to laugh it all off, but a part of him was stung. As he always was. 

 

Jared hates that Jensen is afraid of dogs and will not entertain the idea of Jared getting one even though he knows how much Jared wants one. But he loves that when they are walking and past a dog (even a little Chihuahua for God’s sake) Jensen grabs Jared’s hand tighter and glues himself to his side.  
Jared hates that Jensen still talks to Chris, because he’s a possessive shit like that. But he loves that he’s the one Jensen calls first, wants to talk to first about anything. Whether it’s something important like the morning after his overindulgence at Greystone when Jensen rolls over and whispers in deference to Jared’s hangover that his blood test came back negative, confirming that he is still in remission, or completely unimportant things like the time he texted Jared at three in the morning because he just watched the ‘funniest’ video on Youtube with a surprised kitten.  
He hates Jensen’s fears big and small, most of all his unspoken certainty that the cancer will come back.  
He hates that Jensen has been spoiled most of his life and is therefore a bit of a brat. He hates that he needs to be a better man to be with Jensen.  
He loves that Jensen will sing Johnny Cash in the shower, but never in front of other people. He loves Jensen’s passion for his photography which he never ever brags about.  
Jensen Ackles is infuriating, kind, spoiled, naïve, funny, and oh so beautiful inside and out.  
He loves that Jensen kisses so sweet it makes Jared want to be that better man. 

 

Jensen hates that Jared has so much of a past that he will never be a part of, but he loves that he talks about Jensen as his future.  
Jensen hates that Jared has such a low opinion of himself that he covers up with arrogance and bravado, but loves that he will get on the ground to pet and wrestle with a dog spouting ridiculous, adorable baby talk to the monster.  
Jensen hates that Jared drinks… a lot. He worries about what will happen when he can’t watch his love self-destruct anymore.  
He hates that Jared is so fearless, facing all that is scary in the world with a smirk and a swagger. He hates that he, himself, has to face all of that when he is most definitely not fearless.  
He loves that he wakes up to Jared quietly strumming his guitar and singing songs that can only be about them; about him, but never get shared with the band because they are ‘private’.  
He loves that Jared is so very sweet and romantic when he forgets to be tough and world weary.  
Jared is smart, brave, deluded, weak, larger-than-life, and the sun and moon.  
He loves that Jared holds his hand so tight and firm it makes Jensen feel brave.

Part 2

Jared Padalecki’s Residence  
8833 Wonderland Avenue Laurel Canyon  
July 26, 2012

Jared couldn’t sleep. Well, actually he could. He was exhausted, but he wanted to stay awake and feel Jensen warm in his arms. He wanted to be awake to be aware of the wonderful, luscious satisfaction in his whole body. He’d never felt like that before. Jensen was the virgin, but it was Jared who felt like he’d experienced something for the first time. They had finally had sex. Oh boy had they had sex. The four orgasms he had should have him knocked out. The way Jensen had opened up to the experience should have had him deep asleep dreaming about what was to come. But instead he was afraid to sleep and let go of the feeling thrumming through him. 

Jensen had been nervous and shy at the beginning, but all of that quickly turned to passion once Jared got his hands on him. Jared had never had to be so gentle before; had never felt the need. But this was Jensen and it was his first time. It needed to be perfect. He had intended on letting Jen top. But Jensen had other ideas and God it had been perfect. All of it had been perfect- the slow build, the careful preparation, being the first to be inside of Jensen, soothing the inevitable initial hurt, then watching as his baby boy came apart for him and feeling himself come apart too. The whole time he felt as though the whole world stopped existing, and that he was the center of Jensen’s universe. That, more than the orgasm, more than giving his love an orgasm, is what blew him away. 

Love. That was what it was. He’d never in his whole life made love. And before he even felt like he’d caught his breath, Jensen was touching him again; kissing every bit of him and asking him oh so sweetly if he could make love to him. When Jensen slid in he held Jared’s eyes and this was unlike any other time he had bottomed. Jensen was slow and sweet, exploring Jared’s body, breathing in short little gasps, and never taking more than was given. 

It turns out Jensen Ackles, 20 year old virgin, is a fucking revelation in bed. After the last orgasm, Jensen had slid from Jared’s lap where he had been riding him, curled into his side, and whispered sleepily, “Love you. Thank you. Sleepy.” And promptly gone unconscious. Jared had laughed and proceeded to clean them both up, and then resumed his place protectively wrapped around his lover. He’d had a lot of sex in his life, but this was the first time he had made love. Life was full of surprises.

 

Jared Padalecki’s Residence  
8833 Wonderland Avenue Laurel Canyon  
July 26, 2012

 

Jensen woke to soft snores and protective arms. He shifted and an unfamiliar soreness reminded him of the night before. A wide grin graced his face. Maybe he should be a bit more dignified about the whole thing, but really he just wanted to fist pump. He was a 20 year old guy, after all. Yaay, he had lost his virginity. He had made wonderful, glorious, hot love with his boyfriend – more than once. 

At the beginning of the evening his state of mind had been one of tense anticipation. He just wanted to get it over with already. He was a virgin, not an idiot. He knew that there would probably be some discomfort involved before it was all said and done, and when Jared had offered to bottom, had said it would be better that way, he had almost taken him up on it. But that wasn’t really what he wanted, and certainly wasn’t what he had been dreaming and fantasizing about. No amount of dream sex prepared you for the real thing though and he couldn’t deny how afraid he was. But when Jared had pulled him down to the bed and kissed a tear that had traitorously escaped, Jensen felt it all melt away. He loved this man, loved him with his whole heart, and this was just another way to show and share that love. He returned the kiss, and before he knew it they were making short work of getting naked and he simply couldn’t touch enough of Jared; couldn’t be touched enough by Jared. 

The whole time Jared had soothed him through the pain until the pleasure broke through. It had been so intense, feeling Jared inside of him. And then, later, doing the same for his lover and seeing the awe reflected in his eyes. He couldn’t help but to smirk at how adventurous he had been for his first time, and blushed just a little when he remembered how damn good it had felt as he had ridden Jared with abandon that last time. He knew there was so much more to discover, but he wasn’t afraid because Jared loved him and would always take care of him. 

 

Jared Padalecki’s Residence  
8833 Wonderland Avenue Laurel Canyon  
August 3, 2012

Jared had a hundred and one reasons to drink kept tucked away and ready to be used at a moments notice. I’m out with my boys. Shit I hate my life. Happy birthday, man. Happy birthday to me. God you’re gorgeous. I’m alone. I’m with my friends. I’ve got a show. Show was cancelled. No one wants me. No one loves me. Everyone wants a piece of me. I’m fucking awesome. Tonight it was Jensen is working late and then spending the night with the Kane guys; spending the night with Christian motherfucking Kane. What started out with a six pack of Godawful Lonestars with a Jim Bean chaser finished with 12 year old Glenmorangie. 

By two in the morning, Jared, even with his inhuman alcohol tolerance, was well on his way to comatose. He had left the house almost an hour earlier and was sprawled on his back in the grass gazing up at the stars that weren’t washed out by the distant lights of LA. Jensen, his addled brain supplied, was never coming back. Christian was at that very moment relinquishing his lifelong heterosexuality in order to claim his beautiful boy; his baby boy. It wasn’t fair dammit.

“Jared? What are you doing out here? I was looking for you everywhere.” A pale face with pretty green eyes replaced the big dipper. “That’s quite a collection of bottles you’ve got going in there. Is everything alright?”

“You’re here,” Jared slurred while trying to sit up. The task proved too much for his bourbon soaked nervous system.

“Yeah, Jay. I’m here.” 

“Thought you were gonna stay with Chris. You like him better’n me.” 

“Really, is that so.”

“Yeah.” Jared reached up with an unsteady hand to stroke a beloved cheek. “You’re so beautiful, wanna lookit you forever. Wanna hold you alla time.”

“God, you are completely wasted. Come on let’s go inside Jared. I’ll get you to bed.” Jensen was pulling on his arm to get him upright, but he just wanted to lay there until the world stopped spinning.

“You stay me until it stops spinning Jen. Peas. Don leave, baby.” He wasn’t aware that he was crying until Jensen dropped down by his head and began wiping the tears away.

“Jared. I love you. I just went to get a beer with the guys. I’m not leaving you. Why would you think that you jerk? Don’t you know that I love you? That I’m so in love with you? But I’ve got friends and that’s not going to change.” 

“Love em more’n me. Imma mess up ‘n you’ll go away. Love you too much.” He was fading fast and knew that he should get up, but laying there in the cool grass under the stars with Jensen’s fingers carding through his hair seemed like the best place to be. “’Fraid Imma mess this up.” Was all he could get out before drunken oblivion claimed him.

 

“I love you too much too. But we’ll be okay. Now let’s go inside before you…” a soft snore interrupted him. “Pass out. Oh no Jared. Come on. I can’t carry your garganuan ass into the house.” 

Jensen first tried rousing Jared, shaking his shoulders and calling his name (not shouting in deference to the neighbors), but eventually gave up and just tried to haul the guy to his feet. It was pretty much a nonstarter. Jensen wasn’t a lightweight, but he was built more for speed, and lifting Jared was like trying to handle a 250lb ragdoll. He finally gave up and settled them both down in the grass, getting his breathing under control and trying not to think about the fact that Jared had gotten pass out drunk all alone on a Thursday night. 

“You’re kind of scaring me Jay. I don’t know what to do. I’m not strong enough for this” Jensen lay his head down on Jared’s and stretched his body out away in the opposite direction. They created a perfect unbroken line in the California night. 

 

Jared Padalecki’s Residence  
8833 Wonderland Avenue Laurel Canyon  
August 4, 2012

Jared woke to the all too familiar feeling of a raging hangover. But instead of a bed or sofa, or hell even a floor, he was lying on something scratchy, cold, and damp. The only thing to do was to open his eyes and face whatever fuckery he had been up to head on. Blinking in the early morning light Jared slowly determined that he was lying in the grass of (thankfully) his own backyard. He also slowly became aware of warmth huddled up to his side and he undertook the monumental task of moving his throbbing head to see if he had attracted a coyote or something. 

Jensen was curled into an impossibly small ball and had buried himself practically under Jared. His clothes and hair were damp with morning dew, and even though LA summer nights were far from cold he was shivering slightly. Jared ignored his hangover and jumped into action.

“Jen. Baby boy wake up.” He said while gently shaking his boyfriend. 

“Jared? I don’t wanna get up.”

“I know baby, but we gotta get you warmed up. Come on.”

“Hmmff.” Jensen merely tried to burrow deeper into Jared. Despite the weirdness of the whole situation, Jared couldn’t help but smile. Jensen didn’t wake up easily. The waking world came to him in bits while the sleeping world held on. He’d even witnessed Jensen sleepwalking once. He wanted to think that was the reason for their current predicament, but he knew it was more likely connected to the killer hangover he was now in possession of. 

“Yeah I know. Been a pretty miserable night ‘huh? Kinda wishing you’d stayed at Chris’” 

“Cold.”

“Come on I’ll make you that omelet you like.”

“With extra cheese?”

“Yep.”

“And bacon?”

“Yep.”

“And…”

“And tomatoes and green salsa. Just like you like.”

“Okay.” Jensen yawned and rubbed his face on Jared’s chest before they both rose to slowly to their feet. “Yuck, I’m all wet. I’m going to grab a shower and I’m not even gonna bother to leave any hot water for you.”

Jared follows after him anxious to get out of damp clothes himself. “Guess I deserve that.”

“Jay, we need to…”

“Talk. I know. Just…let’s get dry and fed first okay baby boy.”

Jensen stopped and turned into Jared’s arms. “You know I love you right?”

“I know. I love you too. Go, go get warmed up.” As he watched Jensen climb the patio stairs tiredly, a memory from the night before bubbles up. He hears Jensen’s quiet voice ‘You’re kind of scaring me Jay.’ And dammit he really didn’t want to be another thing on Jensen’s long list of fears.

 

Jared Padalecki’s Residence  
8833 Wonderland Avenue Laurel Canyon  
August 7, 2012

“No Amanda. I told you I don’t want to go on this tour. I’m done with it. No! No, Amanda. Besides who’s going to go to the shows anyway? Haven’t you heard we’re all washed up? Hasbeens.”

Jared felt his phone being pulled from his hand.

“Ms. Tapping? Hi, um yeah this is Jensen…Jensen Ackles. Yes, I understand, but if I could just talk to Jared for a little bit and have him call you back. Yes, I understand. Yes. Of course.”

“What the hell, Jen?”

“Come on let’s go sit outside.” 

Jensen guided Jared out the back door of his Laurel Canyon house. The backyard was lush and sprawling and Jensen loved it. Jared did too, but he never thought it was very cool for the lead guitarist of Violent Reaction to admit that to anyone. He bought the house with the idea of getting a big dog or two, but there had just never been time and now there was the problem of Jensen being afraid of dogs. 

“So do you want to tell me the real problem?” Jensen asked sitting down cross-legged in the grass.

Jared huffed, but obediently dropped down and mirrored Jensen’s position “What problem?”

“This whole quitting thing? You don’t really want to quit the band.”

“I don’t Jen? Have you really known me long enough that you think you know me?” Jesus, Jared wishes he hadn’t said that and immediately back pedals. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re right. We haven’t known each other very long, but I do know you. I wouldn’t have made love with you if I didn’t. I think I knew you before we met. I listened to your music, your words and I felt like you were talking to me. You sounded so lost and I got it, I have done everything to avoid that feeling. I’ve always done whatever I had to do to feel safe. But you, you have never tried the safe route. Why start now?”

“Safe? Maybe I just want to be normal for a while. If that’s safe than, well alright, I want safe.”

“No, you want a home. You want an anchor. You can have that and still do what you love. Also, I don’t think you’ll be able to enjoy your ’safe‘ life knowing that you hung your friends out to dry.”

“God, Jen why are doing this? You’re just trying to get rid of me. Don’t you want me?”

“Want you? Jesus, you have no idea. But did it ever occur to you that you can have me and still be you?”

“What do you want from me?”

Jensen leaned forward and touched his forehead to Jared’s. “I want you to do the tour. I want you to start writing again. I want you to try to be happy.”

“I… I want to quit.”

“No you don’t. You want to give up. You made it to the penthouse and now you want to jump. But I’m not going to let you. I’m going to save you.”

“I don’t need to be saved.”

“We both do. We can save each other. You’ll give me courage and I’ll give you a home.” Jensen surged forward to kiss Jared. Lips against lips, warm and alive. 

“You don’t need courage, baby boy. Being fearless isn’t the same as being brave.” Jared reached up and framed Jensen’s face with his big hands. 

“Okay maybe I don’t need courage, but I do need you.” Jensen breathed in and out “I need you happy and healthy. You need you to go and do this, but I need you to promise me one thing.”

“Yeah?” Jared kissed him again and slid his hand to the back of his head, cradling his skull like a precious thing.

“Jay, I need you to stop drinking. It’s going to kill you and that will kill me.” Jared releases Jensen and blinks at him. “I know you don’t think it’s a problem…”

“No! I know it’s a problem. I know that I have a problem. Jesus I made you sleep outside. You could have gotten sick. I thought I wouldn’t need to drink when I had you, but I… I don’t know Jensen. I don’t need rehab. It’s not that bad. I can’t go to rehab, but I’m gonna stop for you. I’m gonna try.”

“That’s all I need.”

 

Amanda Tapping September 2013

All I needed to know was that Jared agreed to come on tour. Not that it was going to go any other way. We had the law on our side. He wasn’t going to get out of it, but it was much better to have him want to stay. I should have known that Ackles would be a problem for me down the line, but right then I was just grateful that things were settling down. Of course, I’ve been in this business long enough to know that as soon as one thing settles down another pops up to bite me in the ass. I got Jared settled and then less than a week before they’re supposed to be in Munich for the kick-off for the European leg of the tour Denny gets popped for possession. Who the hell gets arrested for pot possession in LA? Idiots, the whole bunch of them. 

 

Office of Robert Singer  
BB Gun Press  
6769 Lexington Avenue Los Angeles, CA 90038  
August 17, 2012

The whole band, Amanda, Robert Singer the band’s long-time PR man, and Jensen were all regrouping in Singer’s lush downtown office. Jensen couldn’t have felt more out of place if he tried. They had been on a date when Jared got a call from Amanda telling him that Denny had been arrested for drunk and disorderly while carrying a baggie stuffed full of primo weed. She had already secured his release, but demanded that Jared and the rest of the band get to their PR office ASAP. So Jensen had been pulled along in the riptide.

“I don’t think it’ll stop the tour, but people aren’t as forgiving as they used to be. I’ll manage the press and keep it as low key as I can. Meanwhile you,” Singer jabbed a finger at Denny, “keep your damn mouth shut. If you gotta say anything it’s ‘No comment’. You got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, Bobby. Don’t blow a gasket.”

“How many times do I have to tell you Denny? Don’t call me Bobby. Only my wife calls me Bobby and the last time I checked, you are my douchebag client not my beautiful wife.”

“Harsh.” Tom said from his place next to Jensen on the couch on the far side of the room.

“Sorry kid. You pay me to make you guys look good not be your friends.”

“But you’d be mine for free, right Mr. Singer?” Mike batted his eyes at Singer. 

The old guy had been around the block with crazier musicians than Mike Rosenbaum though so didn’t even take the blink of an eye to respond, “You? They’d have to pay me to pass you a cup on free beer night at Dodgers Stadium.”

“You say the sweetest things, Bobby.”

“Get the hell out of here you miscreants and don’t forget to zip your lip Denny.”

Once Amanda had made her goodbyes, muttering quietly to herself while answering an email on her phone and pulling keys from her purse, Denny ordered Jared to go get his car so they could go celebrate his freedom. Jensen wanted to point out that Denny hadn’t actually spent anytime in actual jail, but figured he probably shouldn’t antagonize the man. But still…

“Um, Jared and I were kind of on a date and with y’all leaving so soon...”

“Well, isn’t that sweet guys? A date. Jared was on a date.” Denny sneered. 

“Hey Denny I think you filled your douche quota for the day. Just lay off.” Tom whacked Denny in the shoulder while throwing Jensen a small smile.

“Listen, Jensen, the men need to go out and get their party on.”

Jensen froze he knew what that meant and Jared didn’t do that anymore. He had promised to try. “Denny no. Jared is trying not to drink. You know he has a problem and he needs all of our help. Besides maybe the night after you got arrested is not…”

“Jesus. Listen princess. You may think that you got the fuckin’ leash on Jay, but I ain’t gotta listen to your spoiled ass ‘cause I’m not trying to fuck it.” Denny felt a moment of regret as the young man’s eyes widened and the color leeched from his skin, but he had a lot of practice in killing his regret and burying it under six feet of his own bullshit. “I’m glad Jared’s getting some on the regular and that you apparently talked him into staying with the band, but right now you need to back the hell off and let us do our thing. You might give it up to him, but that don’t mean you own him.”

“We’ll take care of him kid.” Tom added, ‘cause he might feel bad for the way Denny was treating Jensen, but that didn’t mean he was gonna turn down a night on the town with his boys.

“Yeah, tell you what. I’ll make it my personal mission to drink any and all drinks that Jared orders.” Mike proclaimed just as Denny’s phone rang.

“Yeah? Keep your pants on homo we’re just headed down now.”

Jensen followed after them, his body thrumming with all the ugliness Denny had so casually tossed at him. He ended up talking Jared into dropping him off at his apartment, accepting a soft lingering kiss at the door and ignoring the lewd cat-calls from the SUV.

 

Jensen Ackles Residence  
Sea Castle Apartments  
1725 Ocean Front Walk  
Santa Monica, CA 90401  
August 18, 2012 

He called his mom to just check in and say hi, but resisted calling Chris to unload his fears and worries. He had told Jared that he wouldn’t run to Chris when things were bothering him, so if he was hoping Jared was not drinking for him he had to do what was asked of him no matter how hard it was. He looked over some proofs for an Interview article, exercised, and then went to bed. He didn’t sleep though, so when he heard the soft rumble of Jared’s truck in his driveway followed shortly by his front door quietly opening at 4 in the morning he was wide awake and ready for the worst. The worst that didn’t happen.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Jared said quietly toeing off his Chucks by the bedroom door. His voice wasn’t slurred in the least, and when he leaned over to kiss Jensen there was no lingering scent of alcohol.

“You didn’t…”

“Almost, but no. I had fun with the guys, but the whole damn time I was thinking about you. About how much I’m going to miss you. Downing a bottle of whiskey and getting fucked up with the boys sounded like good old times but I just couldn’t stop thinking about you, dammit, and how much I want to make love to you. Can’t do that drunk.”

“Jared, please.” He doesn’t even know what he’s asking for, but before he has to think, has to wonder, has to verbalize Jared is covering him, kissing him, owning him. He doesn’t have to think again ‘til the sun, coming through the French doors, is waking him.

 

LAX International Airport  
August 29, 2012 

“You’re gonna call me when you get in right? I mean I don’t care what time it is Jared, or how tired you are, you call me.” Jensen had the front of Jared’s artfully distressed leather jacket in his fists as he rocked the taller man back and forth. “I’m not going to be able to relax until I know you’re alright.”

“Jensen.” Jared stopped Jensen’s attack and then forced his eyes to meet his own. “Calm down. You know there’s one sure fire way for you to know I’m all safe and sound.”

“No. No Jared we’ve been over this. I have too many clients scheduled and…and you know I can’t…I’d never be able to, you know, get on the actual plane.” Jensen lowered his gaze and stuck out his bottom lip. It was not a look Jared or anyone else for that matter was ever able to resist. Jared was not getting him on a damn flying deathtrap. The last time he flew was when his parents moved him to California to put him in the care of Dr. Bob and The Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. At the time he had been too sick to be scared. And what he had said about clients was true. The pictures accompanying Ben Affleck’s Interview article had gotten him a lot of new work. 

“Yeah, I know. I’m just gonna miss you s’all.” Jared had a look of his own, all big puppy dog eyes and earnest mouth. There was nothing for it but to kiss that clever, earnest mouth.

“We’ll talk everyday,” Jensen said into Jared’s mouth before they were kissing again. “Twice a day.”

“Jesus Jared, come on already!” Denny shouted from the deserted gate. Rock stars had their own chartered jets apparently. “Kiss the princess and say goodbye already.” 

“Keep your shirt on asshole. Not my fault no one’s here to see your sorry ass off. Give Mike grief. He has a freakin’ posse here and Tom’s attached at the lips to Jamie so lay off okay.”

“Yeah, but I don’t really mind watchin’ some gorgeous girls…”

“Just shut up you homophobe. I’ll be right there.” He turned back to Jensen with an apologetic smile. “He grows on you I promise.”

“I’m still trusting you on that one. You better just go ’cause I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together and not make an idiot of myself.”

“Okay. Just one more kiss, baby boy.” Jared cupped Jensen’s jaw, thumbs stroking his cheeks and fingers brushing his neck. And Jensen couldn’t do more than surrender to it, didn’t want to do anything else, couldn’t imagine anything better than belonging to Jared Padalecki. “Goodbye. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

Misha Collins September 2013 

I wasn’t even remotely interested in covering the Violent Reaction World Tour. I had been working on a story about the clash between old and new in recording techniques and instrumentation. “The Rise of Superstar DJs” (Time magazine’s words, not mine) like Calvin Harris and Deadmau5 inevitably creates a push back from the old guard. It was a hot button issue. I even heard that Dave Grohl was filming a documentary about the closing of Sound City Studios. I knew that I had to get the story done and fast if I wanted to be in any way relevant. But my editor felt differently. She figured there were already too many cooks in that particular kitchen. The way she saw it Violent Reaction was a band in its death throes and she wanted Rolling Stone to be there when the body dropped. ‘If it bleeds, it leads’ is not just a cliché it’s the truth even on the music beat. It is also true that reporters don’t work for themselves. They do as they are told. It’s also true that a whole lot of reporters become book writers because of the really good idea that got snatched away. So I approached my new assignment with only half my attention while the other started to write my book about the new digital divide in music. Little did I know that the real story, the story that would change my life, was unfolding right in front of me. 

 

Hotel Königshog  
Karlsplatz 25, 80335 München, Germany  
September 2, 2012

Jared was miserable. The first concert of the tour had pretty much been a disaster. Okay maybe that was overstating. It was just not explosive like it should have been. And he knew that the problem was his music. This album was all wrong for Violent Reaction and the fans knew it. Granted they still screamed and vied for attention. The groupies still showed up by the back door and they could still rock out to the old songs. After all, the fans never got tired of hearing “Taken Tonight” or “Two-Way Street”. Denny never got tired of singing them and the rest of them never got tired of giving him the full on jamming back up, but something was missing. 

He took a slow sip from his beer mentally beating back the guilt at not being honest to Jensen. He hadn’t gone a day without a least a beer or two, not one lousy day, not even back in LA after he made the promise. He just couldn’t. He really didn’t have a problem, at least not a full blown Nick Nolte mug shot of shame type of problem. Not like his freakin’ dad had a problem. He just had a stressful, weird fucking life and the booze calmed him down and let him deal with it all. Maybe if Jensen was there he wouldn’t have to drink at all. He sent off a quick text to his boyfriend and then, after making sure he looked presentable, went off to find the boys for a little fun before they headed off for Berlin the next night. 

 

Text from Jared Padalecki to Jensen Ackles  
September 20, 2012

Miss u bboy. Y aren’t u with me?

 

Jensen Ackles Residence  
Sea Castle Apartments  
1725 Ocean Front Walk  
Santa Monica, CA 90401  
September 20, 2012

Jensen finished reading the latest text from Jared and sighed. His boyfriend’s texts, emails, and calls had gotten progressively sadder and more worrisome. The new music wasn’t going over well, the critics were being brutal, and the crowds hadn’t been this tough since the band was just starting out playing in dive bars on the Sunset Strip. Jared missed him as much as he was missed and though he never came right out and said it Jensen could tell that he wanted him there. The worst had been the prior afternoon when Jared had called from Bucharest after a show and clearly drunk had started to cry and beg to come home. Jensen had managed to calm him down and talked to him until he made it from the hotel bar to his room and fell asleep still sniffling. 

Now, Jensen knew, was the time for him to do something. And it needed to be for Jared not himself. He hadn’t been required to really sacrifice in his whole life. But he was going to do this. He opened the drawer in his bedside table, shoved all of the usual junk out of the way to expose the shiny royal blue passport book he’d thrown there when he first moved in. As he had never learned to drive and was at that point homeschooled with no school ID, he had needed a passport to board the plane that took him to California and the treatment that saved his life. Sometimes California seemed like an entirely different country from Texas. He never intended to need it again, but then he hadn’t ever planned on Jared Padalecki. 

 

The Intercontinental Hotel  
Parizska 30,  
110 00 Praha, Czech Republic  
September 23, 2012

It had been a fun night. Not that he had been overly excited when the boys had dragged him from another night of missing Jensen alone in his room to Hot Peppers, a strip club, after the show. But he had mellowed out by the third drink and had even enjoyed admiring the young women on offer. He had been tempted by a stacked redhead with good enough English to have a razor sharp wit, but just the thought of cheating on Jensen had messed with the good buzz he had going so he had politely declined. She had shrugged and moved on to Tom, who didn’t seem as worried about cheating on Jamie, though really Jared didn’t know exactly how committed the pair was . The whole gang, band and groupies alike, were moving the party to the hotel. Nothing like a night of drinking and whoring to cement the image of a rock band. 

Jared saw the concierge as soon as they all maneuvered through the obstacle course that a revolving door presented to a bunch of drunk ass fucktards. Since he was the least trashed of the group and unhindered by a female companion he made to intercept him.

“Hey look man don’t worry we’ll pay for any permanent damage, okay? And I’ll make sure anyone that complains gets some tickets and autographs.”

“Yes sir. I understand, but that’s not quite what I needed to see you for.” The man was as stereotypical as you could get this side of a Rom Com, obsequious and yet superior. 

“Is there a problem with the rooms? Our manager set everything up right? ‘Cause I’mma…”

“No sir, everything is set to the gentlemen’s preferences, however if I may sir, there is a young gentleman waiting for you in the lobby lounge.”

“Oh God is it a fan? ‘Cause I really am not up for that shit right now. Can’t you get security to get rid of him?”

“Oh, I did try sir, but he insists that you will want to see him.”

“Did he give you a name or anything or just Mr. Creepy Stalker?” Jared loathed and loved being famous. Right now loathing was winning out. He didn’t want some love sick fan to deal with right now or possibly a crazed one.

“Mr. Ackles wasn’t feeling well, but I don’t think I would categorize him as creepy sir.”

“Jensen! Jensen’s here? Where the hell is he?” Jared had grabbed the man by the shoulders and began shaking him.

“As I said sir, the gentleman is waiting in the lobby lounge. I believe your friends are already headed that way.” Concierge man indicated with a nod of his head where the rest of the band was shambling.

Jared ran past his friends into the lobby area with its overstuffed chairs and plush carpet, the elegance meaning nothing to a man on a mission. There, on a cream armchair large enough to make a six foot one man look small, sat Jensen looking pale and lost. 

“Jensen! Jensen, God you’re here.” Jared didn’t have a chance to wonder more as he suddenly had an armful of sweaty, shaking, but wonderful Jensen.

 

“Jared. I…I made it. I did it.” Jensen was white as a sheet and there were tears in his eyes. “I thought the plane was gonna crash when it started shaking and then the landing, oh God. It was awful. Then I got on the wrong train and got all turned around. There was a nice lady who put me in a cab, but I’m here now… and…and I don’t know. It was horrible Jay.”

“Okay, okay, but you’re with me now.” He wrapped his arms around Jensen and turned to the group. “I better get him up to bed. See you later guys.”

“Come on Jay dump ‘em in bed and come to my room. Party doesn’t gotta end just cause your fairy princess showed up right?”  
Denny’s laughter was joined by the girls’. 

“Shut up asshole. I’m going upstairs with my boyfriend.”

“Night Jay. Night Jensen.” Tom stepped in to stop the fight from escalating.

“Yeah, night Jenny boy. Flying half way around the world to claim your man. Kinda ballsy. It’ll be good for us to have our very own Yoko Ono.” Mike pulled the brunette plastered to his side over his shoulder and made a run to the bar.

“Whatever you say Mikey.” Jensen hadn’t moved from Jared’s arms. “Okay Yoko, how about we get some sleep?”

 

Getting All the Chemicals Right  
A Violent Reaction Fansite  
September 24, 2012

ViolentReBabe-

Had an amazing night with the guys from Violent Reaction. Timing vaycay with the concert was an amazing idea. Being an American really paid off. No one is going to believe me but…I spent the night with Denny. He was amazing. Hoped to make it a threesome with Jared, but his crybaby boyfriend showed up. Possessive freak flew all the way to Prague to check up on Jared. Ugh, I know this is a totally unpopular opinion, but sometimes I wish Jared wasn’t bi. Mike called the boyfriend Yoko Ono. I don’t know much about her, but I know she broke up The Beatles. I think this guy is going to try to do that to our band.

 

The Intercontinental Hotel  
Parizska 30,  
110 00 Praha, Czech Republic  
September 24, 2012

The morning was spent relearning every inch of Jensen’s skin, soothing away the stress of travel, tending to the half moon arc cuts in each palm, and generally basking in Jensen’s love and devotion. 

“I still can’t believe you’re here.” Jared had pulled out his guitar and was sitting at the foot of the bed idly strumming.

“I can. That was the worst day of my life. There is no way I could have imagined it.” 

Jared had a hard time believing that someone who had come so close to dying on more than one occasion could describe a simple, if long, day of travel as the ‘worst day of their life’. “You have a flair for the dramatic baby boy.”

“I hate doing new things. It’s scary is all.”

“I’m pretty new.” And it was true. They had met only 3 months earlier. 

“No you’re not. I’ve known you my whole life. We just never met until now. But you do scare me.”

Jensen would say things like that sometimes, beautiful poignant things, apparently without even realizing. And then would go on being his beautiful spoiled boy.

A not too soft jab to his bicep from Jensen’s foot proved the point. “Come on. Pay more attention to me than you do that thing. It didn’t get on a flying death machine for you.” 

“Oh you want attention, brat? I’ll give you attention.” He proceeded to paying very special attention to Jensen’s gorgeous body. 

 

Misha Collins, September 2013 

So I was continuing on with the book and keeping only half an eye on the Violent Reaction tour. I have a pretty good network of concert promoters and music writers in Europe so if anything big looked to be shaping up I would know first. Mostly what I was hearing was that the tour was, well, just okay. They were fucking great musicians. I was never really a fan, but they are impressive musicians. I would even put Tom Welling in my top 20 bassists of all time, and Denny and Jared fit together like most lead singers and guitarists wished they would. I always figured that was because of the unusual situation with Jared writing what Denny sang, but who knows. The thing was that they were never ‘just okay’. I’ve seen them kill and I’ve seen them suck, but never be mediocre. So maybe my editor was right. Maybe Violent Reaction was dead and they just hadn’t lain down yet. 

Then, near the end of the European leg and the beginning of the US leg of the tour, while I was still outlining my book and happily planning interviews and research, things changed. They were back. My almost daily dose of Violent Reaction concert clips started to become exciting. The shows were electric. Jared was playing like a man possessed and Denny’s singing took on a weird edge that I hadn’t heard before. Maybe the band had some life in it after all. Of course I also got word from a couple of my promoter friends and a fellow music writer from Paris that the band was fighting. Like exchanging punches fighting. God, all I could think was – ‘How cliché’. My instincts let me down. If I hadn’t been so caught up in the book thing, maybe I would have sniffed the real story out. And maybe I wouldn’t have fucked up so badly later. I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter now, but damn, I just wish I had.

 

Hotel George V  
31 Avenue George V  
75008 Paris, France  
October 14, 2012

 

“Oh Jared please.” Jensen wasn’t whining but it was a close thing. Jared looked down at him and tried to ignore the pull in his gut elicited by those eyes, clear and earnest. “I’m never gonna be in Paris again. I want to see everything I can. Besides they have an exhibit of Diane Arbus at the Louvre.”

“First of all the Louvre itself will take all day and second of all why are you never gonna be in Paris again?”

“Cause I’d have to get on a plane to get here and that’s not going to happen. Now come on. Please can we go? You don’t have anywhere you have to be until tomorrow, right?” Jared knows he’s going to say yes, but it’s good for Jensen to have to work for it a little.

“I don’t know where you think Jayman is going, but hell no. He’s spent enough damn time indulging his gay with you. I’m takin’ his sorry ass to the Crazy Horse. Hopefully, his manhood will reassert.” Denny had joined them, grabbing Jared around the neck and dragging him down into a head lock.

Jared quickly extricated himself and punched Denny in the arm. “You know you’re probably the only homophobe with a GLAAD award.” The band had received an award from the LGBT media watchdog group for “True” a song Jared had written about coming out. It was not one of their hits, but it had always been one of Jared’s favorites.

“Fuck that. That’s your stupid thing. I just sing what you put in front of me you slut.”

“Bi doesn’t mean slutty.”

“Sure Jay. Does the princess know how many people you’ve fucked? Seems to me he should figure out what the score is. Come with me to the club pick up some chicks and have a threesome. Crazy girls these days would probably soak their panties watching you fuck him.”

Jared hadn’t even been aware of pulling his fist back until Denny was already on his ass in the middle of the lobby. “Shut your fucking mouth Denny. You’re my brother, but you don’t talk about him that way. You got it?”

“Fuck you!” Denny was on his feet and launching his fist into Jared’s stomach before anyone could react. “Fine! Go homo around Paris. See if I care. Looks like we really do have a Yoko.” Denny turned and left pushing a man with his cell phone pointed at them roughly out of the way.

“Jared.” Jensen was at his side rubbing soothing circles on his back as he stood hunched protectively over this stomach. “Come on. Let’s get back to the room. There are too many people here.” He looked up then and saw at least three people filming them.

“Yeah. Grab your jacket and let’s go. The Louvre is waiting for us.”

“We don’t have to Jay. I don’t want to cause trouble. Maybe Denny just wants to spend time with you. He doesn’t really like me and he took it out on you. He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Don’t do that Jensen! Don’t make excuses for him. Mother-fucker can get bent. He needs to grow the fuck up.” He knew it was true, but there was a little knot of sadness in his stomach, like something was ending, like he was losing something. He grabbed Jensen by his elbow, barely giving him time to grab the new peacoat Jared bought him, and tried not to look back in the direction Denny disappeared.

 

Jensen wakes him up with “Ich Liebe Dich” in Dusseldorf and that night as Jared makes slow careful love to him he repeats it over and over until he is coming, like a benediction. 

He over hears a waiter in Amsterdam patiently teaching Jensen how to pronounce “Jeg elsker deg”. It would be sweet except for the jealousy churning in Jared’s brain watching the girl pinch Jensen’s cheeks to get just the right shape. Yeah, no one’s touching his boyfriend like that. 

Nights in Spain seem to always be warm and the “Te amo’s” gasped against his skin as he rocks into Jensen hard and fast leave sweat and spit.

In Paris it’s “Je t’adore” soft and sleepy in the morning and then shouted over the roar of the crowd that night. 

“I love you.” Good old England and the only language Jared knows. “I love you too.” 

Part 3

 

www.altpress.com/violentreaction_announce_2013_us_tour_dates

American rock alt group Violent Reaction have announced the U.S. tour dates in support of their latest album, Walking on Water. The 15 city tour will kick off in New York at Madison Square Garden. See dates below:

 

Prive Jets Gulfstream Galaxy  
Heathrow to New York La Guardia  
October 25, 2012

Jared and Denny had made up and made nice and were ready to face the US leg of the tour. They had always been able to move past their fights and arguments. Well, Jared would apologize and cajole and Denny would deign to let bygones be bygones. Nothing ever really got resolved and nothing got settled, but it was how they worked best. It was how they kept working together for so long. This was for the best. Besides he had other issues to deal with. He had to get Jensen onto an airplane and figure out how to keep him with them for the rest of the tour.

 

Jared thought Jensen had been rough when he found him in the lobby of the Intercontinental in Prague. This was much worse. Jensen was pressed into his side in the back of the Gulfstream jet on a sofa gripping his hand so tightly the feeling had long since abandoned his fingers. He was practically hyperventilating. 

“Jen, darlin’, you are going to have to let loose of my hand just a little. I need those fingers to play my guitar.”

“O…okay, but you won’t go anywhere right?”

“We’re a couple of thousand feet in the air so I’m not going anywhere.” He knew immediately that he had made a mistake mentioning their current distance from Terra Firma. Jensen’s eyes went wide, but he took a deep breath and loosened his grip. Of course the plane took that moment to hit some turbulence and jostle a little violently.

“Oh!” Jensen squeaked and launched himself at Jared. “Why did it do that? Is something happening?”

“No. We’re fine. We just hit an updraft and like a big boulder in big rapids it shook the air all around. It’s called turbulence and it’s totally normal.” When Jensen looks up at him scared, but trusting his heart hits some turbulence of its own. “I promise if something is wrong I will tell you and I will take care of you.”

“And I’ll take care of you, too.” 

“There now that’s settled, how about you try and relax, give my hand a break, and give me a kiss baby boy.” He did and they both ignored the gagging sounds Denny made.

 

Office of the City Clerk  
Marriage Bureau  
141 Worth Street  
New York, New York 10013  
October 29, 2012

“I still can’t get through to my mom.” Jensen was looking at his phone like it had personally offended him.

“Do you want to call it off?” Jared looked like it actually pained him to ask. “We can wait.” That looked like it hurt even more.

“No! Jared, I honestly can’t believe you did all this, that we are doing this. I mean I still don’t know how you found that judge to get the waiver.”

“Got his kid tickets to the big Fourth of July show in ‘09”

“Whatever. We’re doing this. I’ve never been surer of anything in my whole life. Seriously Jared. I’m not scared at all. You know that’s a pretty rare state of being for me. So what if my mom’s a little upset. She’ll forgive me.”

“I know. ‘Cause you’re happy and she just melts for you. Everyone melts for you.”

“Yeah, you most of all, right?”

“Me most of all baby boy. Now how about we get hitched?”

 

TMZ.org  
October 30, 2012

Same-Sex Wedding for Violent Reaction’s Jared Padalecki

Taking advantage of New York’s new same-sex marriage laws. Jared Padalecki wed boyfriend Jensen Ackles in a quickie marriage at Manhattan’s City Clerk’s office. No band members or family attended the civil ceremony and all requests for comment have gone unanswered. Maybe the bride is pregnant?!

 

Misha Collins September 2013

I started actively writing about the band once they got to New York. The Madison Square Garden show was great, electric even, but like I’ve said before I wasn’t exactly a fan and my heart wasn’t really in it. But I filed my review and Rolling Stone ran it and an hour after the issue went to press the news broke that Jared Padalecki had married his boyfriend at the New York City courthouse. Apparently the guy had been at the meet and greet at the Madison Square Garden show, had even been asked some questions by reporters from some of of the more gossipy magazines, and I hadn’t even noticed. Man was I pissed and if I was pissed then I don’t have the words to describe my editor’s feelings. I was feeling pretty stupid about the whole thing and that would probably have been the start and finish of it if Jeffrey Dean Morgan hadn’t written that damn article.

 

Violent Reaction  
US Tour

Jared

Jensen Ackles was a good person, an angel really. He cared about everyone from his mom and dad and husband to the hot dog vendor on the street. He had a kind heart and a quick mind. So when Jared called him a brat or spoiled he wasn’t really being serious. It was just that Jensen usually got his own way. He had the kind of face with its beautiful expressive eyes that made you want to just hand over everything you had and more.

And Jensen wasn’t above using that face, those pleading eyes, to get his own way more times than Jared could count. He found himself receiving side by side massages with Jensen in Seattle, hiking nature trails in New Mexico, and saying no to drinks and parties after shows more often than not. And the thing was that Jared would insist under torture that it bothered him, that he was being tied down, but actually he loved it. He thought he had died and gone to heaven getting that massage, watching the sun set from the top of a mesa holding his husband’s hand was amazing, and it was kind of nice to not wake up every morning feeling hungover and wrung out. But still the part of his brain that had been weaned on booze and unfettered testosterone was uncomfortable with the new status quo, was uneasy with Denny. 

Jared just didn’t know that these two opposing reactions were about to collide.

 

Excerpt EW interview with Tom Welling (unaired)  
November 2012

EW - Did you have any idea that Jared was going to get married?  
TW – No, not married. I mean I knew that he and Jensen were  
serious, but I would never have pegged Jared as the marrying  
kind. Guess that’s more Jensen than Jared. Mike has some  
hair-brained thing about Jared’s aura being the marrying kind.  
But I don’t take much Mike says seriously.  
EW – So this mystery guy is more the marrying kind?  
TW – Mystery guy? Is that what you’re calling him? Oh I can’t wait to  
tell the kid that.  
EW – Well no one seems to know much about him. Just that he’s a  
photographer and the son of a successful Dallas financier. The thing is, one minute Jared Padalecki is the poster boy for all things decadent and free and the next he’s married. The second leading theory is that the guy is a groupie that hit the jackpot.  
TW – Oh, yeah? What’s the favorite theory?  
EW – Publicity stunt. Play up the gay thing. With sales lagging and  
rumors that the band is splitting up, any press is good press.  
and the gay rock n’ roll wedding sure is getting press.  
TW – This interview is over. We don’t need gossip to sell records.  
We’re the best rock band in the country. Our music is what sells us and you can go fuck yourself!

 

“Modern Love - Can Rock and Roll Survive Gay Liberation?”  
(excerpt)  
By Jeffrey Dean Morgan  
Newsweek November 26, 2012

The marriage of Padalecki to Ackles has been met with a variety of reactions, the majority of which are negative. The message boards are filled with vitriolic diatribes against the union. Fag is a word that is used with alarming frequency in this community. 

“I think that Jared Padalecki’s choice of male companionship threatens the fantasy that fans build around a band like Violent Reaction. The young men want to be them and the young women want to have them.” Eric Kripke, Professor of Gender and Culture at the University of Southern California says, pointing to a particular post. The post is anonymous and contains all caps, shouting its opinion to the world “I’M NOT A FAGGOT Y SHOULD I LISTEN 2 A FAGGOT!!!”

Interestingly, Padalecki has never made a secret of his bi-sexuality. His song “Two-Way Street” about just that reached number 7 on the Billboard Chart. “As long as the notion of Jared’s sexuality remained theoretical and just slightly dangerous it was acceptable,” said Samantha Ferris professor of gender studies at Mills College. “As soon as a gay relationship, and the gay sex that relationship implies, became a reality his sexuality became a threat to a very heteronormative subculture.”

Much of the ire has been directed at Ackles who according to Kripke “Represents the interloper and allows fans to focus away from Padalecki, around whom they’ve fashioned themselves, onto the unknown outsider. It is more comfortable to believe Ackles, young with slightly feminine features, turned Jared gay. The notion of the gay man as predator is alive and well in the rock culture.”

Fans have taken to calling Ackles Yoko Ono and the comparison is unsurprising, according to Ferris. “Fans see themselves as being a part of the band and any change to that fantasy shakes them. Just as fans vilified Yoko Ono for supposedly breaking up the Beatles, even though rifts and arguments within the band predated her involvement with John [Lennon], they see Jensen as the reason for the rumored problems in Violent Reaction.”

The correlation is actually quite vivid. Ono was foreign, from the artistic fringe, and politically active. Ackles is very young, also an artist, and gay. 

 

Violent Reaction  
US Tour

Jensen

The first time Jensen sees a blog post about himself he shakes it off in good humor. He pointed it out to Mike since he was the first one to refer to him as Yoko Ono and wants to give him a hard time. Mike got serious for a moment and then leaned into Jensen.

“Hey, Jen man, it’d probably be a good idea if you avoided the fansites. Some of the fans are kinda batshit and judging by what’s out there right now, I don’t think you’ll like it.” Mike straightens and pats Jensen’s shoulder. The seriousness evaporated as quickly as it came. “Hell, I shouldn’t read those things. You know they all think I’m crazy. I mean just ‘cause a guy wants a sloth as a pet because he was one in a prior life everybody thinks he’s so kooky.”

Jensen laughed, got busy taking pictures of the roadies setting up the stage and basically forgot all about it. It’s wasn’t until a couple of weeks later that Denny showed him another blurb on some girls Tumblr page about him.

–Jensen is back at it. He showed up at the Chicago show and was a constant Jared shadow the whole time. I didn’t have backstage passes, but everyone was saying how he pitched a fit or something at the staff. I mean come on who does he think he is? I heard he is doing the pictures for some book about the tour. Ugh. I guess Yoko furthered her career on John Lennon’s coattails too.

“I didn’t pitch a fit. I just didn’t think that girl should be given a drink. She wasn’t even 18 and it was Amanda that reamed you out not me.”

“That nickname sure has stuck hasn’t it – princess?” Denny said, voice thick with disdain. He actively avoided the point about he, himself having been the one offering a minor alcohol in an attempt to get into her pants.

“My name is Jensen Denny. I wish you would stop calling me princess. I’m not a girl.”

“Oh but you are spoiled. So I think the name fits.”

“How am I spoiled? Just cause I want to spend time with my husband?” 

Okay, maybe Jensen could ease up on the puppy eyes every time he wants Jared’s attention, which is kind of always. He knows that he has a tendency to expect to get what he wants. It’s not something he does on purpose. Still, it gets him to thinking and it gets him looking at the fansites. It also gets him feeling pretty shitty.

 

Sprint Center  
1407 Grand Blvd.  
Kansas City, Missouri 64106  
Backstage  
November 14, 2012

 

Jensen tried not to take up too much of Jared’s time. He’d read what the fans think and wants to turn it around. Being hated is no damn fun. 

He had given the girl in the elevator his VIP pass and tried his best to reach out and be friendly. She had looked sad and out of place with her friends, the only one without a backstage pass. This was something he could fix easily. He gave her his pass and when she said she couldn’t take it from him. He had laughed and said he had seen a show or two. He leaned in then and said with a wink that he was pretty sure he knew someone that could get him in. When he saw her in the crowd at the meet and greet, looking overwhelmed and scared he knew just what to do. 

“Hey, Tracy right?”

“Oh, hi again. Thanks for this pass. This is amazing.” She’s got a smile plastered on her face and she’s breathing like she’s just this side of hyperventilating.

“And a little too much too, huh?”

“Does it show?” 

“Don’t worry. I still get that way every time I see Jared and I’m married to the guy.” She giggles and awes and her shoulders visibly relax.

“Would you like to meet him?”

“Um… yeah. Is that okay?”

“Of course. That’s what they’re here for. Come on.”

 

Getting All the Chemicals Right  
A Violent Reaction Fansite  
December 15, 2012

DennysGirl99-

OMG. You would not believe what happened at the Kansas City show last night. Me and some friends drove up from Springfield and stayed at the Hilton. This girl Tracy came up with us but, we don’t know her all that well and my dad could only get VIP backstage passes for me and my two friends Casey and Ronnae. So anyway we’re headed down the elevator going to the show and who do you think gets on? Jensen “Yoko Ono” Ackles. So no one is gonna say anything and it’s not like I want his stupid autograph or anything. It’s not like he’s in the band, no matter what he may think. So we start checking out our passes and I guess Tracy is looking sad or bitchy or whatever and he asks her if she has a pass. She says no, of course, and the next thing you know he’s like chucking something at her. He basically tells her to take it because it isn’t like he wants to hear that stupid music again. Can you believe it? What a bitch! Jared needs to dump this guy and quick before the band totally gets ruined.  
The show was great anyway and the band was so friendly. They played “Taken Tonight” for the encore and I thought I was gonna die. Jared and Denny were so sexy. We got to meet the band backstage and I even got Denny’s autograph, but guess who was there. Yep you guessed it Mr. Ono was keeping Jared all to himself. We’re going to go to the St. Louis show next week too, maybe he won’t be there. 

 

Verizon Wireless Amphitheater  
14141 Riverport Dr.  
Maryland Heights, MO 63043  
Violent Reaction Tour Bus  
November 19, 2012

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Jared is struggling between confused and angry. It doesn’t help that he had a couple of shots with the guys after the show before Jensen showed up with his puppy dog eyes. Of course he told Jensen that he hadn’t had anything more than a Coke. The lying was becoming easier as time went by. 

“Don’t say it like that.” Jensen says suddenly sounding alarmed. “I’m not leaving you I’m just going back home. You don’t really need me hanging around all the time. The fans don’t like it, don’t like me. Besides I should get back to work. Chris was saying…”

“Chris was saying? You’ve been talking to Chris about us?”

“He called to say congratulations on the wedding and don’t do that. I told you I wasn’t giving up my friends. I wouldn’t ask you to give up yours.” Jensen yells and Jared steps back because Jensen never yells. “I’m sorry I don’t mean to yell. I guess this is all just getting to me Jay. I need a break. I mean I never planned on following Violent Reaction around on tour. Come on Jay, you want me to be successful too, right? If I don’t work, I won’t build my reputation.” And there was that face working its mojo. 

“Yeah, but I’ll miss you.”

“You have no idea how much I’m going to miss you. I don’t think I really have any idea how much I’m going to miss you, but the tour is only two and a half months more and then you’ll be home and we can argue about where we’re going to live.” Jensen leaned into his husband and set his head right under his chin like he was born to fit there.

“Hey, I never even thought about it. We’re not going to live in your apartment. I just figured we’d move into my place. It’s private.”

“But mine has the beach and the pier. I love the pier. When I’m sick it cheers me up.”

“You’re not sick anymore and you aren’t going to be again! I hate when you talk like that. Also I don’t like the beach.”

Jensen pulled back with a wicked smile. “See told you. I’mma go home and you can call me every day with a new argument for moving to your house.”

 

Letters to the Editor in Response to the issue of November 26, 2012

‘Modern Love’  
It seems to me that Mr. Morgan has fallen into the same trap as everyone else. Homosexuality as the red herring. Fans aren’t attacking Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles because they are gay. They are attacking them because of a stupid things stupid people say on the internet. It would have been more interesting to read an article that addresses our dependence and devotion to celebrities and how the anonymous nature of the internet brings out the worst in us. Instead we were treated to a piece that painted the entire Violent Reaction fandom with the broad stroke of homophobia. Hopefully the band knows that the noisy minority doesn’t speak for the majority. I wish only the best for both of these young men.

Janice Baker  
Sunnyvale, California

 

Tom Welling September 2013

When Jensen left something really switched off in Jared. The shows became lackluster just like in Europe and the guy was moody and drunk a lot of the time. And he wasn’t the only one who was affected. I hadn’t realized it, but the kid had made friends with pretty much all of our stage crew. The roadies fucking loved him. And they took protecting him pretty seriously. I know a lot has been made of Jensen being this spoiled little brat and how he gets whatever he wants, but the thing is he isn’t a jerk. He’s actually one the nicest people I know and he treats everyone else exactly the way he gets treated. People treat him special because he thinks everyone else is special. Sucks that we were the ones that taught him that not everyone is special, not everyone deserves to be treated that way.

 

From: honeybearpapa@bbgunpress.com  
Subject: Jared’s aura  
Date: December 6, 2012 9:01:29 AM PST  
To: jackles@photospot.net

Okay Jennyboy I get that you’re tired of the fans and Denny is a royal fucktard, but you need to get your sparkly self back here on the double. Jared’s aura is fading fast and I finally realized that’s because it’s tied to yours now. Did you and Jared get married on the astral plane as well as this one? That’s the only explanation. I suppose the reason doesn’t matter. He misses you and is being a tremendous downer right now. So like I said get your ass back here and we’ll do better this time. 

-Mike

 

Voicemail message from Amanda Tapping  
5:15pm December 17, 2012

Listen Jensen, I am well aware how difficult it can be on tour. I realize that you may not have been properly prepared for what being in a relationship with someone like Jared would be like and of course there is no amount of preparation in the world for dealing with Denny Myers. However, I must remind you that you signed a contract to provide the photographs for our tour book. The label likes what you’ve turned in so far, but we need quite a bit more and of course we’ll need pictures from the final show in San Antonio. That show is a pilgrimage for fans. So get back to the band as soon as you can and I’ll forget that you left without informing me. Goodbye and see you soon.

 

Red Rocks Amphitheatre  
18300 West Alameda Parkway  
Morrison, Colorado 80465  
Violent Reaction Tour Bus  
December 19, 2012

The show had sucked. He had sucked. Jared tipped the bottle of Jim Bean back and let the amber liquid slide right on down, not even feeling the burn.

As soon as the show was over and he had handed his guitar to his tech, Jared had high-tailed it to the bus and he and his friend Jim were hiding out in his bunk. Fuck the guys and fuck the meet and greet. He had zero interest in making nice with the fans anyway.

“Jared?”

Great, now he was hallucinating.

“Jared where the hell are you? I’m back.”

Jared stumbled from his bunk, legs getting momentarily trapped by the curtain and almost causing him to fall down. “Jensen. Holy shit Jensen is that you?”

“Do you have any other incredibly handsome, intelligent, awesome husbands stashed around?” Jared found Jensen at the front of the bus looking tired and ruffled, but such a sight for sore eyes he could have cried right there. He tried for nonchalant, but quickly gave that up in favor of getting his boy in his arms. “Of course it’s me. You sounded terrible on the phone and I had to come. My folks drove me up and you know how much I hate my dad’s driving so you owe me big time mister.”

“God, I can’t believe you’re here. I love you baby boy.”

“So, Tom called and told me you were love sick or something. Then Mike called and emailed me and texted me to tell me that I needed to help you with your aura because apparently our auras are bound. Amanda called to remind me that I signed an agreement to take all the pictures for that tour book oh, and also that I’m an idiot and you’re an emotionally stunted fourteen-year old. Denny unsurprisingly did not call, but you can’t have everything…” 

“’Cause where would you put it?” Jared finished the familiar quote and threw his arms around his husband again. “Did you fly? You don’t look like you flew.”

“You mean I don’t look like I was run over by a Mack truck? No, my parents drove me up. And I only freaked out at my dad once, honestly who passes eighteen wheelers on the highway. They’re outside, by the way. They wanna see you and I think my mom wants to chew you out about the eloping thing. We could all go have a late dinner.”

“Just give me a minute okay. I haven’t been able to touch you in a whole month.”

“Yeah. I missed you too love.”

 

Denny Myers September 2013

I was an asshole okay. Not like I don’t know that. I don’t even know why. I just fucking hated Jensen. He comes waltzing in and Jared is gone. “Let’s go to the bar, Jared” “No gotta go sight see with Jensen”, “Heard there’s a great strip joint down the road, Jared” “No gotta go to blahdy blah museum with Jensen” “Jared I got a coupla groupies ready to do whatever we want” “No gotta stay faithful to Jensen” Drove me fucking insane. ‘Course I hafta be honest and shit now, stay with the program, work the steps, whatever. So really it was never a gotta for Jared when it came to Jensen it was always wanna. I’d lost my brother and I was pretty fucking pissed about it. I’m not proud of it now, but then I was prepared to do whatever I had to, to get Jared back the way I needed him. The worst part is that Jensen really fucking tried to be my friend that whole time. All I saw, all I wanted to see, was a pampered princess who was making a joke of Jared and the band. Mike was being his usual ironic fucking self when he called Jensen Yoko Ono, I was being spiteful. I’m a shitty enemy to have.

 

Red Rocks Amphitheatre  
18300 West Alameda Parkway  
Morrison, Colorado 80465  
Violent Reaction Tour Bus  
December 19, 2012

“Come on man. I told Jared we’d stay away from the bus for an hour or so. He hasn’t seen the kid in a few weeks and they need some time. Denny don’t fucking go in there.” Tom tried cajoling, but he knew that when it came right down to it, Denny had no respect for him and probably little to no friendship. 

Denny nodded to the security guy and pushed the bus doors open. He hopped up the stairs and into one of their homes away from home. Usually he commandeered a bus to himself and let the others do their bonding bullshit thing in the other, but he figured he could go for some bonding tonight. Anything to pry Jared away from his piece of ass.

“Jar…” The word died on his tongue as the unmistakable sounds of people fucking reached his ears. Jared’s low voice could be heard murmuring words that couldn’t be understood and overlaid on top of that were small gasps of air like Jensen couldn’t draw oxygen into his lungs. 

“Don’t worry baby boy. I’ve got you. Going to make it so good. Love you. God love you so much.”

“Love…huh huh. Love you..huh oh love you.”

Tom was pulling on his arm. “Let’s get the hell out of here,” he hissed.

Denny easily shook the tall man off and sauntered over to the couch and put his feet up on the table. Tom shook his head and left not really knowing if he was more disgusted with Denny for his general assholery or himself for being unable to stop him.

Denny wouldn’t have cared either way. He was too caught up in his latest plan to humiliate Jensen. He got the idea that the kid wasn’t all that experienced when it came to sex and he knew how easily he could embarrass him. He ignored the fact that as he listened to the two men fuck, and as the sounds became more and more erratic and frenzied, he became aroused. He wasn’t one to have a sexual identity crisis. He heard people going at it his brain and dick wanted to go at it too. It didn’t mean he wanted to fuck guys just meant his dick was in working order. 

First a breathy sigh and curse followed by a strained grunt and what sounded like a palm slapping against the side of the bus and then just heavy panting signaled the end of the activities. Denny schooled his features into bored disinterest, settled in, and hoped that Jared was still as hyper after sex as he always had been. He didn’t want to waste the night just to mess with Ackles’ head. His small attention span was rewarded when he heard Jared laughing and making his usual racket getting out of the bunk.

“Come on Jen. We’ve got some in the fridge.”

“Just bring it back here Jay.”

“No way. Don’t wanna get ice cream on the blankets. Just come on.”

“What if someone comes in?”

“Don’t worry I told Tom to make sure we got some privacy. Besides I don’t think you in your boxers does anything for the guys. Hell, it better not or I’ll…”

“What Jay? Don’t feel like sharing your boy around? Might be kinda fun.”

Jared pulled Jensen behind him shielding him from Denny’s eyes though there was no way to shield him from his words. Jensen’s face was already so red he looked like he might pass out. 

“Didn’t Jay tell you about the rule?”

“R…rule? I don’t..I don’t know what you’re..”

“Tsk tsk Jared. Don’t worry. I’ll tell him.”

“Fuck off Denny.”

“The rule is that any groupies that make it to the bus are for sharing.”

Peering around Jared’s immense shoulder Jensen’s eyes went wide. 

“Shut up Denny. Why are you such a dick? Enough of this man. Jen is my husband and he means a whole lot more to me than this band and certainly more than you. So either you get your shit together or I walk, contract or not.”

“Hey, hey okay. I surrender.” He wasn’t an idiot. He could see that if he kept pushing like this he was going to end up on the wrong end of this thing. Getting rid of Jensen was going to take a lot more subtlety. “I’m sorry. I actually came to talk to Jensen and apologize. I’m an asshole. Nothing new there. I guess I went a little overboard. You guys are just gonna hafta give me a while to get used to things. I never much liked things changing, right Jay? So whadya say, peace?” He held out his hand for a fist bump with Jared who responded quickly with a happy grin back in place and then a hand shake with Jensen who was still huddled behind Jared hands and arms trying to cover as much as possible. A moment passed and then the young man followed Jared’s example. “Do me a favor though. No more sex in the bus, man. I think I’m scarred for life.” He chuckled good-naturedly while Jensen blushed again. 

“Dude, you spent an entire night in Tijuana looking for a donkey show. There is nothing in the entire universe that could scar your deviant soul.” Jared smiled easily, accepting the supposed olive branch.

“Yeah, yeah Padalecki. You still owe me a donkey show you know.”

“It’s an urban legend man and you’re a sick bastard. Move the fuck over I need ice cream.” 

Jensen retreated back to the bunk making excuses to Jared that he was tired and Denny felt like he had scored his first victory as he shared some rocky road. He knew now what he needed to do. Death by a thousand cuts.

 

The Oriental Mandarin Hotel  
222 Sansome Street,  
San Francisco, CA 94104  
The Oriental Suite  
December 24, 2012

The twinkling lights of the hastily procured Christmas tree competed with the lights of the Oakland Bay Bridge, the decorated boats out in the bay, and the whole of San Francisco stretched out below them. Jared and Jensen held each other in the cold wind blowing in off the water, reaching them even up at this impossible height. 

There should have been words to say, devotions to give, but they were tired and the weight of things that couldn’t be shared were heavy around them. So they simply held on to each other, lips occasionally grazing and breathing synchronized. There would be time for making love later, time for a shared bath and lingering touches and almost words, but later, after holding each other late into the night. Neither realized that they would need to hold on just to survive.

 

Misha Collins September 2013

So there it was. I had the story I wanted to write pulled out from under me and then had the story I had been told to find and write scooped by Jeffrey Dean Morgan the smug bastard who didn’t even respect music. I was as down as I had ever been professionally. Hell, even personally. 

As I packed to join the Violent Reaction tour Vicki sat at the end of the bed as quiet as she’d ever been. If only I had listened to her.

 

Collins Residence  
Red Square  
250 East Houston Street  
Lower East Side New York, NY 10002  
January 4, 2013

“What Vic?”

“What, what?”

“As adorable as you are, I’m not really in the mood. You’ve never had a problem with me leaving for a story before. Hell, with your deadline coming up you’ll be happy to have me out of the house.” Misha dropped a handful of boxers into his suitcase and then stopped to survey what he had so far.

“I don’t have a problem with you leaving Misha. I’d be just as worried about you if you were staying right here.”

If her silence was troubling the odd, unfamiliar tone of her voice was more so. He sat next to her and took her hand in his. “Worried about me. What are you talking about?”

“Something is wrong with you. I don’t know what it is, but you’ve had a dark cloud over you. I just know you’re about to do something you are going to regret and…and I wish I knew what was going on in that melon of yours.”

“Listen, it’s just the book thing. By the time I’m finished with this stupid story for the magazine the moment will have passed. It won’t be relevant anymore.”

“If it’s relevancy was dependent on the moment than it’s not the story you would want to tell.”

“It mattered to me Vic. Or…or…I don’t know maybe I need to rethink what I’m doing. I mean does this, what I write about, really mean anything to anyone? Does it matter?”

“Oh, that’s it isn’t it?”

“What, what’s it?”

“You’ve lost your mojo, baby. Why do you let Jeff do that to you? You’ve always loved what you write. Don’t stop now.”

“Vic, that’s not it and it doesn’t have anything to do with Jeff. Am I mad that the guy scooped me on my own beat? Sure. Do I think the guy is an arrogant prick? Definitely. Jeff and his stupid article is not the reason why I’m pissed. I just don’t want to follow Violent Reaction around and pretend that it matters to me in the least. And I sure don’t want Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s sloppy seconds. You know he’s going to think I did this story because of his.”

Vicky leaned into him and laid a lovely, delicate hand over his heart. “If you go like this, all angry and unsure, you’ll do something that you’ll regret. I just have a terrible feeling about this.”

“Don’t worry. I think my soul can handle one half-assed assignment. By the time I get back I’ll be good as new and excited to move on to the next thing.”

“Oh Misha.”

 

Metzger’s Tavern  
1000 Powell St.  
Henderson, KY 42420  
January 4, 2013

“Really Jared, I like the kid. I know I’ve been tough on him, but hell he could try standing on his own two feet. Does a kid like him belong in this world, our world? I’m not trying to fuck with you man. I love you like a brother and I want you to be happy and shit. I just don’t think he’s gonna make you happy and do you honestly think a guy like you can make him happy. Gonna mess you both up. Okay, okay I’ll shut up. Just buy the next round then you can go back to the princess.”

 

fuckyeahjaredandjensen.tumblr.com

reactionbabe

Amazing just one month in and we have 100 followers! I knew I couldn’t be the only one who loves these two. Let’s beat out the haters!

#fuchyeahjaredandjensen #violentreaction #jaredpadalecki #jensenackles #OTP

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j&j said: Best friend & I saw them in Pittsburg. They were holding hands backstage while Jared was talking to fans. So cute!

 

Violent Reaction  
US Tour

Jensen

He wanted this time to be different. He wanted to just melt into the background and not draw any attention to himself. It would have been easier to just wait out the rest of the tour back in Santa Monica, waiting for Jared, but Jared needed him. Besides he was coming to love life on the road. As long as it didn’t involve planes he was good. It allowed him the chance to see places he never could have imagined and wonderful people whose paths he wouldn’t normally have crossed. The crew on tour, the roadies, were wonderful. The men and women who set up the stage, took care of the instruments, managed the lights and other effects, and everyone else from management down to merchandise were all great. He had made some friends he hoped to keep long after the tour was over. 

And even though he seemed to be pushing him away, and even though Jensen knew he was drinking more and more, there were small quiet moments with Jared that cemented his love and devotion for his husband. In Atlanta he sang to him while they watched the stars from the top of the tour bus. In Chicago he told Jensen about the first time his father hadn’t picked him up from basketball practice because he’d passed out drunk. In nothing more than a whisper he admitted that was the day his father stopped being his hero. In Seattle he tickled Jensen until he was red-faced and belly laughing and then stared at him with such fondness it made Jensen’s heart ache a little. In San Francisco they made love and pretended that nothing was wrong. Jared kissed the pads of each of his fingers and made promises he could only hope would be kept. But still there was no denying that Jared was pushing him away just as much as he was holding on. It was very confusing.

Jensen immersed himself in the task of taking pictures that would help chronicle the tour for a book Amanda was cooking up. He figured there was always something brewing in that woman’s mind. He had been slightly terrified by her in the beginning, but it hadn’t taken long to realize she was simply an honest and tough woman, much like his own grandmother who had been a social worker in the sixties. 

The plan had been to just stay in the background. The plan had been to concentrate on the photography. The plan had been to support and love Jared. The plan had not been to continue showing up in the blogs and in the gossip columns. It had also not been to provoke Denny even more than before. Of course the plan didn’t include Jared drifting away from him, but that was what was happening. Just three weeks after joining back up with the tour, his husband went out with Denny more nights than he stayed on the bus or in the hotel. Even Mike and Tom seemed to notice. 

In fact Jensen found himself spending more time with the drummer and bassist. What had been acquaintances were becoming solid friendships. Mike’s love of classic movies seemed to have been rekindled by Jensen’s presence and his “profound lack of cinematic knowledge”. They had started a post show mini-movie club. On the stops that provided a hotel a few of the crew, Mike, Jensen, and sometimes Tom would fill a suite, share copious amounts of popcorn, and watch a film that met with the Rosenbaum seal of approval. Jared got sullen any time Jensen brought it up and Denny openly scoffed. Jensen figured it was Denny who leaked the thing to the gossip columnist. So Jensen stopped going to the movie nights no matter how much Mike cajoled.

One of the roadies who was unironically named Big John was interested in Jensen and his camera and often engaged him in a conversation as he manhandled the set into place while Jensen snapped picture after picture. After the movie night thing went south, Jensen began spending any night Jared went out with Denny giving Big John photography lessons. He enjoyed sharing his knowledge and passion with someone truly grateful to receive it. They further bonded when he found out that the man had many years before lost his four–year-old son to leukemia. One night after a boisterous discussion of black and white photography Big John had laid his hand on Jensen’s shoulder and said in his quiet husky voice, “I hope that he would have grown into a good young man like you. I think he would have. Your parents must be mighty proud of you.” Jensen couldn’t do anything but smile through the tears that wanted to fall. 

After the Oklahoma City show, close to the end of the tour this friendship also blew up in Jensen’s face. Jared came storming backstage while John was framing a shot and sucker punched the guy.

“Stay the hell away from my husband you old pervert!”

“Jared, what are you doing?” Jensen had shouted, kneeling by his friend’s side. “Big John are you alright?”

“Is he alright? Jesus, Jensen is Denny right? Are you fucking this guy?”

“I’m fine kid.” John had probably gotten a whole lot worse in his life. The guy was built like a brick shithouse and had lived a very full fifty-five years, most of it on the road. He was back on his feet with nothing more than a long suffering groan. “Mr. Padalecki, you’re my boss so I’m not gonna lay you out, but you better not say anything bad to Jen here ‘cause he ain’t done nothing wrong.”

“Don’t worry I won’t be your boss for long. When I have your ass fired you can come lookin’ for me.” Jared stuck out his chin, ever the fighter. “Jensen, we’re on the bus tonight. Imma get a drink with Den. Are you even gonna be there when I get back?”

“Am I gonna…What kind of question is that? Of course, I’m going to be there. Jared, I don’t know what you think is going on, but Big John and I are just friends.”

Jared didn’t wait around for any more explanation. He turned his back and stomped towards the back exit where security was stationed. 

“I’m sorry. He isn’t usually like this. He’s…”

“I’ve actually known that boy longer than you Jensen and you’re right, but he and Denny don’t bring out the best in each other. Not a secret that Myers ain’t my favorite person and Jared, well he’s a good kid, but he’s a drunk and that ain’t a lie.”

“I know. I don’t know what to do.”

“Sorry, I don’t have an answer for you except to take care of yourself kid. You got my number. If you need help you just drop me a line.”

“No, no John. I’ll make sure you don’t get fired. Jared can’t do that. He’ll listen to me.”

“I’m sure he would, but I gotta work after this tour is over and if I leave quietly I’ll get a good reference. If I make a fuss it’ll be over for me.”

“Oh man. It’s all my fault.” Jensen hung his head sadly.

“Come on kid. None of that. We’re friends and I’m all good. I got a lot of friends.” Big John grabbed him a big hug and walked away nursing his sore jaw.

Jensen wouldn’t speak to Jared when he crawled into their bunk that night smelling of booze pleading for forgiveness and pleading for Jensen to stay. Jensen simply turned away and pretended to sleep.

The next day Big John was gone and Jensen’s world shrank just a little bit more. 

 

Snake and Jakes’s Christmas Club Lounge  
7612 Oak St.  
New Orleans, LA 70118  
January 9, 2013

“I’m telling you man. I think something is goin’ on with the kid. He’s been spending a whole lotta time with that roadie. Jensen doesn’t know how this stuff works. He thinks you gotta spend alla your time with him like some Hollywood homo would and now he’s lonely. Guy sees the sad little twink, comforts him, and next thing you know they’re bangin’ And I’m not blamin’ Jensen you see. I know he’s just a dumb romantic kid, but it’s more important for me to look after you Jared.”

 

Violent Reaction  
US Tour

Jared

It felt stupid fighting with Jensen, but Jared couldn’t stop. The tension continued to build with each mile they were on the road. He didn’t know exactly when it became more important to get a drink with Denny than spend time with his husband, but that’s how it’d been going. Denny was always telling him something about Jensen. About how he didn’t really fit in Jared’s life, and somehow he began to believe it. Jensen never did fit. Denny had always been able to worm his way into Jared’s mind; his thinking. He’d been Jared’s first love and even though Denny had pretty much shot him down they had stayed friends. Denny hadn’t been an asshole about 14 year old Jared kissing him. Instead he had told Jared being gay was just another reason for him to get the hell outa Texas. Their friendship had been fired and tempered and from there on out Jared always followed where Denny led. Sometimes he thinks he should regret that blind devotion, but if he hadn’t listened to his friend he would probably still be stuck in San Antonio doing who the hell knows what. He wouldn’t be a star. He’d probably just be some dumb burn-out alcoholic cubicle jockey like his dad. 

The stop in Oklahoma just seemed to cement the truth. Just like Denny had told him Jensen has been meeting with one of the roadies and when Jared confronted them and laid the guy out, who did Jensen go to? Not Jared. Maybe, he thought, it was time to call the whole thing off. 

But the thing is life was good, no, great with Jensen. And maybe Jensen didn’t fit in Jared’s life. Hell, there was no maybe about it. But when it’s good it’s the best and that’s the problem. Once you feel that good, that whole, everything feels a little more fragile. His happiness depended on Jensen and there was no way in hell he could give that much power to one person. But he couldn’t help begging for forgiveness the night of the Oklahoma disaster. He knew that there is no way Jensen would cheat, but he’s equally sure deep in his heart in that dark place that oozes self doubt, that Jensen will leave him; will find something better. He begs for forgiveness, because he wants to hold on and for the first time Jensen just turned away. And he knew that he had pushed the love of his life away and his heart breaks just a little more. 

 

Edna’s  
5137 N. Classen Blvd.  
Oklahoma City, OK 73118  
January 15, 2013

“I feel you man. I wish it had worked out for you guys. I mean I owe this tour to Jensen. But I can’t say that it surprises me. You, my friend, are not the settling down kind. You need the road, the music, the fucking groupies just as much as me. Not real fair of you to drag a kid like Jensen into that kind of life. Look how things turned out for you and your mom. Don’t mean to fuck with you man, but you are ten times the drunk your old man was. ‘Course you’re ten times better than him. We figured out how to make that shit work for us. Jensen will never get it man.” 

 

Misha Collins September 2013

Following the band proved to be the worst thing for me at that point. Vicki, as always, was completely right. I was not in a good place. I was doubting my work, my direction, myself and being around that band during that time with all of the doubt and anxiety and bullshit that was flying around was fucking with me. 

My publisher had managed to get me exclusive access to the band. At first they fucking hate you, but usually if you keep your mouth shut and just keep showing up people forget that you are even there. With musicians this far up the food chain it takes even less time. They’re so self involved that they forget the rest of the world doesn’t exist simply to fulfill their needs. That meant I basically became a fly on the wall. Band meetings, sound checks you name it. 

I met Jensen Ackles on the second day and after all the hoopla I have to say I was expecting a bit more. He was young and pretty, in a masculine sort of way, but he wasn’t brash and didn’t come across as the force driving Violent Reaction apart. He shook my hand politely, spoke in a whisper to his husband, and then disappeared. 

It wasn’t until I had been with the band a few weeks that the cracks started showing and my own cynicism started to germinate and grow.

Mike Rosenbaum who at first glance seems like a dopey, crazy hippie throwback, would become quiet during band meetings drumming on his thighs and occasionally rolling his eyes at something either Denny said or their manager Amanda Tapping yelled. It didn’t take a genius to see that the Violent Reaction drummer was undervalued and a part of the guy was beginning to believe it. I could empathize. Cynicism is insidious. 

Tom Welling was as calm and steady as his bass playing. He was easy going, friendly, and was definitely the peacemaker of the band. While Denny Myers seemed to be able to wind everyone else up, Tom let the bullshit just slide right off. However, every once in a while, I would catch Tom looking at Jared with a look of intense anger. This wasn’t ordinary annoyance. Something foul was brewing under the surface veneer of a bunch of hard rocking guys on the road playing music. 

Jared Padalecki was obviously a barely functioning alcoholic. The guy hardly ever seemed completely sober that I could tell, though no one else either cared or noticed. It was like watching a slow motion plane crash or maybe how it would have felt to witness Icarus. Like the mythological tragic hero Jared had soared too high and man was the guy crashing now. Oh sure he could still play guitar with the best of them, but it was also uninspired. The big guy still laughed and joked with his bandmates and he worked harder than the rest of them combined, but there was something missing. The guy was flat and uninteresting. Truth is I would have completely hated him if it wasn’t for those brief moments when Jensen would approach and he would come alive. Granted as the weeks went by the life in his eyes was angry and resentful and deeply sad, but that was better than the act he displayed the rest of the time because it was real.

Now, Denny Myers I hated without reservation. The guy was an unrepentant, unredeemable, unlikable douche – Go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. He played Jared like a finely tuned piano. I knew from my research that the pair met when they were thirteen years old and both dropped out of high school to chase rock and roll dreams. They were two of the very lucky ones to catch them. When the guy had really rubbed me the wrong way I uncharitably attributed their success to Jared and his amazing song writing skills. But really Denny is an amazing singer and once upon a time was the perfect partner for Jared.

The more the cracks widened letting me see the ugly underneath, the more excited I got. I did have a story here. I was going to watch this band crash and burn and I was going to expose all of the ugly to the world. I’m ashamed to admit it now, but the whole thing filled me with sick satisfaction. Violent Reaction and fate had played me for a chump and I was going to get some payback. Because like I said before – ‘if it bleeds, it leads’. I had front row tickets to the train wreck and was going to get a cover story out of it to boot.

 

The Pearl Theatre and Palms Casino Resort  
4321 W. Flamingo Rd.  
Las Vegas, NV 89103  
January 26, 2013

Misha couldn’t really say that he blamed Jensen for being angry. He was pretty angry himself, though obviously the reasons for their ire were very different. Jensen was angry because he was worried, or concerned, or hell just downright scared. He didn’t know the man well enough to say. He, himself, was pissed off that these guys were getting off the hook for no other reason than they were famous. Denny Myers gets behind the wheel of a car stoned, drunk, who knew what all, hits a tree doing 75, and gets to walk away scot free. Jared had a black eye and seemed completely oblivious to the danger Denny put him in, the possible danger they had put others in. Jensen wasn’t oblivious to it.

“No Jared! No. You want to go out there? You can barely stand. You can’t do the show tonight. You just can’t. I don’t want everyone to see you like this. I can’t believe you got in that car. You could have been killed. You can’t do that to me.”

Jared simply continued to get dressed nearly proving Jensen right about his ability to stay on his feet while putting his pants on. “Jensen. Just shut up okay. You don’t always get your way. God, I’m so sick of you!” Even Jared seemed shocked at the words. The entire room went silent. “Jen. I didn’t mean…”

“You did.” Jensen’s eyes watered, but no tears fell. “You really did and I love you so much I don’t know what to do.” The young man evaded Jared’s attempt to touch him and backed out of the room. 

“What the fuck Jared!” Unexpectedly it was Tom who turned on Jared. “What the actual fuck. I seem to remember you saying just a few months ago that you didn’t want to live like this. You were gonna quit the band. Now what? Now you’re gonna quit your marriage? Fuck you Jared. It’s not the band and it’s not Jensen. You’re the damn problem.”

“Enough.” Amanda put a hand on Tom’s chest and forced him to look her in the eye. “I understand, but it’s enough. Just get to the venue. Mike make sure he gets calmed down.”

“Come on man. You stay here any longer and your aura’s gonna explode.” With effort Mike moved Tom to the door and out, trailed by one of their security team.

Amanda turned on Denny and Jared. “You two need to get cleaned up and down to the venue. Your husband is right Jared. You have no business going out there tonight, but those people spent hard-earned money to hear you play. It’s your job to give them a show they’ll never forget, and I don’t care how drunk you are. I don’t care if you’re hurt. You are going to go out there and give them that show.” She turned to go, but stopped as her hand touched the door handle. “Also, after this tour is over you’re going to have to find yourselves a new manager.” 

She was gone before Jared could muster a response. Misha was pretty sure they all just forgot that he was there. He found himself breathing shallow and quick, staring at the scene like a deer in the headlights and hoping that they would continue to ignore him. He wasn’t meant to witness this, but if he could just hang on a bit longer he would have gold for his story.

“This is gonna be a hell of story for you, isn’t it Collins?” He hadn’t been forgotten at all. Denny Myers smiled with all his teeth and there was something wild and wrong in his eyes. “Better come to the show. It’s gonna be fucking awesome, right Jay?”

“Don’t call me that dumbass. Only Jensen calls me that.”

 

Misha Collins September 2013

I did go to the show and it was, well, I don’t know if I would call it awesome, but it certainly was a defining moment. Denny forgot words and had trouble standing up straight, but Jared played like a man possessed. Technically incredible, he played better than I’ve ever seen, but there was something missing. He didn’t smile once. He didn’t intereract with anyone outside of the times Denny forced it. The audience was happy enough, but only because they didn’t know any better. After the encore Amanda Tapping shook her head at them and unexpectedly gave Tom a hug and put a hand to his cheek. I should have felt out of place. I should have turned away; should have known all of this was off the record. Instead something very unattractive had been turned on inside of me and the story that I would write, the story that would change a lot of lives, began to take form in my head. This was gonna be a doozy.

 

El Portal Sedona  
95 Portal Lane  
Sedona, AZ 86336  
January 26-29, 2013

With three days off until the next show, Mike and Tom both took off to see family and friends (and possibly just to get away from all the crazy), Denny dove into the deep end of the depravity pool of Las Vegas, and Jared booked him and Jensen into a cozy inn in Sedona. 

The events of Vegas and the words Jared had spoken hung between them heavy and awful, even as a driver whisked them away to the El Portal, even as they held hands in the elevator up to their second floor room, even as they lay in bed not speaking, and even as Jensen cried himself to sleep Jared wrapped around him.

It was late into the night when Jensen awoke to an empty bed and a sinking feeling. The clock on the beside table read 3:41am so he didn’t bother putting on shoes. The hotel had been practically deserted when they had shown up at 1:00 so he didn’t really bother with getting dressed. The t-shirt and sweats would have to do. He knew where Jared was and just hoped that his bare feet wouldn’t be noticed until after he had them both out of the bar and on their way back to their room. 

Of course, Jared was just where he’d figured. The tiny lounge area was completely deserted. There was a receptionist across the lobby at the check-in desk, but otherwise they had the place to themselves. Jared was slumped in a overstuffed wingback chair a tumbler of amber liquid clutched in both hands. 

“Jay?” Jensen sat down on the floor in front of him.

“It’s not you I’m sick of Jen. You know that don’t you?”

“I’m not sure, love. You sure sounded like you meant me.”

Bloodshot eyes meet his. “No! Jesus no. You are the only thing that matters. The music used to mean everything, the touring, the random girls and guys I could get, the buzz of performing, the fucking adoration, but fuck all that now. It doesn’t mean shit, but … you… you were mad at me and I know I deserved it. Hell, I deserve worse. We coulda hurt someone with that stupid stunt. We coulda killed someone. I was mad at myself and that was all right, but when you got mad and everyone was there to see you were mad at me, well, shit. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I just don’t want you mad at me.”

“I am and it’s not so easy to let go of you know? How could you have gotten in that car? I’m still shaking thinking about all the bad things that could have happened.”

“I promise I won’t do anything like that again. I’ll fucking walk before I get into another car like that. I promise you Jen. And about what I said” Jensen looked up and couldn’t help the way his body stiffened and his eyes watered. Jared stood up and pulled Jensen with him. “Please, Jen. I’m so sorry about what I said. Please, don’t cry anymore. I hate it. I hate that I did that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

As the pleas for forgiveness faded Jensen held tight and began to sway to the music coming softly from overhead speakers. “I know Jay. I love you and I forgive you. I always will.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“Shhh. We’ll figure it out, right? Just dance with me, okay.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Always and forever  
Each moment with you is just like a dream to me  
That somehow came true  
And I know tomorrow will still be the same  
‘Cause we’ve got a life of love that won’t ever change

And every day love me your own special way  
Melt all my heart away with a smile  
Take time to tell me you really care  
And we’ll share tomorrow together  
I’ll always love you, forever, forever

Johnnie Wilder sang out from above and Jensen closed his eyes tight and wished, wished.

 

Mother’s Bar & Grill  
5760 W. Buckeye Rd.  
Phoenix, AZ 85043  
January 30, 2013

“Dude, man the fuck up. Quit your crying homo. Don’t you know what this means. You get to fuck who you want when you want. You get to drink how ever much you want. No goodie two shoes looking over your shoulder. I’ve been telling you this for weeks. No offense to Jensen, but he never fit in here and that stunt he pulled in Vegas was fucked up man. So you gotta make a choice; us or him.”

 

Grand Canyon National Park  
North Rim  
January 30, 2013

The Grand Canyon was lovely, beautiful, and lonely. Jensen was taking in the sun setting low over the painted rocks wishing for everything to be somewhere else, anywhere else with Jared. But Jared was nowhere these days. The puppy eyes hadn’t worked. The bargaining hadn’t worked. The softly whispered, “Please Jared. Please, please love. Come with me.” hadn’t worked. So here he was alone at the Grand Canyon while Jared partied at some roadhouse with Denny. Jensen pulled out his phone and dialed the number he still knew by heart. 

“Hey, Jenny boy.”

“Hi Chris.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. Now tell me.”

“Just, you know, miss you”

“Also bullshit.”

“No, Chris. I really do.”

“So where are you? I’m on a break right now. Hows about I come and give you and your boy there a visit. It’s about time I give him the ‘if you hurt him, I’ll kick your ass’ speech.” There was a long pause and then, “Unless it’s already too late for that. Then we can just skip right to the ass kicking.”

“I love him, Chris. I love him so much.” His voice was just above a whisper.

“That isn’t always enough Jenny.”

It’s then that Jensen began to cry. The sun had almost completely fallen below the horizon and the air had already begun to chill and he was there alone and sad beyond words.

“Where are you? I’mma be there in the morning. Don’t you worry kid, I gotcha.”

 

Jensen cries everyday. He thinks that Jared doesn’t know, but he does. He hides in the bathroom or with his head deep under the blankets and the tears fall and his eyes look red and puffy all the time. Jensen cries, gets so damn sad everyday, and they don’t talk about it. 

Jared drinks everyday. He thinks that Jensen doesn’t know, but he does. He hides in the bathroom or out with Denny and downs drink after drink and he looks strained and unhealthy all the time. Jared drinks, gets so damn drunk everyday, and they don’t talk about it.

Jensen reaches for Jared’s hand every night before he falls asleep and holds on so tightly Jared’s fingers ache. Jared wants to reach out and pull Jensen into his arms every night before he falls asleep, but he can’t and Jensen’s heart aches.

 

Part 4

 

Mi Casa Tamales  
25930 1H West  
San Antonio, Texas 78006  
February 9, 2013

Jared

The last show of the tour had been electric. They always saved the best for San Antonio. He wasn’t sure if it was a giant “Fuck you – we made it” or genuine hometown pride. Whatever the reason, Jared and Denny were crackling with energy giving the show to end all shows. Maybe that was what it was. Maybe this was the end. Jared was miserable. He was drunk and mean and heartbroken. Jensen was slipping away from him. Of course, Jensen wasn’t slipping anywhere; if anything he was holding on as tightly as he could. Jared was pushing him. He couldn’t think about that right now. This was the end of tour party and he wanted it to be a blow out. Denny was already flying high. On what he wasn’t sure, but he knew that a little weed and booze weren’t quite cutting it for his friend anymore. He suspected coke, but didn’t really want to know. He should confront him and find out what was going on. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after he went through the farce with his parents and husband. Maybe after Jensen inevitably left and he was alone again. Maybe when the booze wasn’t cutting it for him anymore either.

Mi Casa was the first place he and Denny played publicly, back when they were a couple of stupid kids with stars in their eyes. Every tour ended with a party and a short acoustic set outside. No venue he played ever felt as good, as right, as that outdoor stage in good old San Antonio. The party was in full swing and he was in two bottles so even the appearance of Chris Kane didn’t bother him. In fact he was feeling so good he got the guy to come up and play “Rose of my Heart”, dedicated of course to Jensen, who smiled genuinely up at his husband. Maybe if he had stopped then; maybe then everything would have been fine. Maybe if the rush of seeing the joy in Jensen’s eyes watching him sing in his imperfect voice a song that perfectly described his feelings had been enough… but they wouldn’t know. Because when he should have jumped off that stage and dragged Jensen off to make love he stayed on the stage and performed with the band and got drunker and drunker and forgot that the rose of his heart was even there. Didn’t see when Chris tucked Jensen in under his arm, placed a tender kiss to his head, and led him away. He didn’t see it, but someone else did. 

Jensen

Chris had just about talked Jensen into just going back to LA with him in the morning. The tour was over and Jared was drinking more than ever. He barely acknowledged Jensen, was hardly ever sober enough. Jensen still held on, but it was getting harder. So much harder and he was beginning to think Chris was right. Maybe he was a näive boy thinking love was enough. 

Then Jared did something so uniquely, genuinely, sweetly Jared. He pulled a surprised Chris onstage to accompany him. 

“This is for my husband, my love, my Jensen.” 

After a few whispered words in Chris’ ear it was just Jared’s voice and Chris’ guitar.

“We’re the best partners this world’s ever seen,  
Together as close as can be.  
But sometimes it’s hard to find time in between,  
To tell you what you mean to me.

You are the rose of my heart,  
You are the love of my life.  
A flower not faded nor falling apart,  
If you’re tired, rest your head on my arm.  
Rose of my heart.

When sorrow holds you in its arms of clay,  
It’s rain drops that fall from your eyes.  
Your smile is the sun come to earth for a day,  
You brighten my blackest of skies.

You are the rose of my heart,  
You are the love of my life.  
A flower not faded nor falling apart,  
If you’re cool, let my love make you warm.  
Rose of my heart.

So hard times or easy times, what do I care,  
There’s nothing I’d change if I could.  
The tears and the laughter are things that we share  
Your hand in mine makes it good.

You are the rose of my heart,  
You are the love of my life.  
A flower not faded nor falling apart,  
If you’re cool, let my love make you warm.  
Rose of my heart.

Jared may not have Denny’s voice, but not even Johnny Cash would have sounded as good to Jensen’s ears. And he knew right than that he would hang on forever if he had to and that love would have to be enough.

Of course this wasn’t a Disney movie and beautiful songs sung with truth and love don’t fix broken hearts like magic so it pretty much went to shit after that. Jared was joined by the rest of Violent Reaction for the traditional after tour party set and then proceeded to drink like it was going out of fashion. An hour later the party was in full swing and Jared could barely stand. He would try to talk to his husband, to hold him and it would be great for a moment, but inevitably Denny would show up with another beer or a swig of Jack and pull Jared here or there to meet so and so and their hot sister. Chris had enough when Denny made a comment about how Jensen should just be happy he got his sissy love song. 

“Come on Jensen. You don’t need this shit. And if I gotta listen to Myers shoot off his mouth anymore, I’mma pop him one no matter what I promised you.”

“I’m fine Chris. He doesn’t bother me.”

“And that would be why you look about to cry.” 

“It’s just. It’s just he looks bad, doesn’t he? I mean how long can he go on like this before… I can’t lose him Chris.”

Chris put a tender guitar callused hand on his cheek. “Come on kid. You haven’t been feeling well and this crap isn’t gonna help. I’mma get you to bed and we can face it all tomorrow.”

 

Padalecki Residence  
5727 White Feather St.  
San Antonio, Texas  
February 15, 2013

It definitely felt like the end. The tour was over and then what? They were visiting Jared’s parents because of a promise Jared made months ago. Jensen had never felt so young and naïve. Some part of him had figured that he just needed to get Jared and his parents together and like some Lifetime movie they would heal old wounds and be close and loving just like himself and his parents. That was so far off the mark as to be ridiculous. He was the over-protected child Jared had accused him of being.

Jared’s mom, Judy, was fluttering nervously around the house occasionally stopping in her perpetual hostessing to reach up and touch Jared’s cheek like she was trying to convince herself that he was there and real. Charlie Padalecki was quiet and friendly and Jensen found himself liking the man. Of course he knew that for most of Jared’s life Charlie had been an alcoholic, or as his husband said “a fucking mean-ass drunk”. That description had not prepared Jensen for the calm, kind man he was confronted with.

Looking hungover and weary,Jared wasted no opportunities to be hurtful or snide to his father and Jensen kept expecting a blow-up, but Charlie never struck back. He just remained quiet or changed the subject, asking Jensen about his family and photography, or Jared how the tour was going and how the other band members were. 

It was stifling in the house. The Padalecki’s hopes and Jared’s resentments added to the weight of their crumbling marriage, pushing Jensen down. He just needed to get the hell out of there. 

“Uhm, I’m sorry I just…I forgot something in the car. I’ll be right back Jay.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever. We need to leave soon anyway.” Jared mumbled accepting the coffee cake his mother was handing him and obviously trying to ignore her reaction to his statement. They hadn’t even been there an hour.

Jensen hoped that no one would follow him, but of course if wishes were horses… He had hidden himself behind a Hydrangea bush at the side of the house. He busied his mind wondering how much the Padaleckis spent on water to keep the thirsty plant alive in the dry hot weather of southern Texas, so he wouldn’t have to think about how his love was coming undone inside the house.

“You know Jared used to hide here to smoke when he was a teenager.” Mr. Padalecki slid down the stucco siding and plopped down beside Jensen. “I knew he was doing it, of course, but was too busy being a drunk to get to upset about it.”

“I…I’m sorry. I was just feeling a little…”

“Uncomfortable, upset, unsure?”

“I was gonna say stuffy, but yeah all of that. Can I ask you something personal?” Jensen laid his forehead against his knees to hide his face.

“Well, we’re family aren’t we?”

“Yeah, I guess we are. You don’t really know me though and it feels kinda, I don’t know, presumptuous.”

“No guessing about it Jensen. You are family now and for however long you wanna be. My wife has already developed quite a soft spot for you. I think her and your mama have been cookin’ up some sort of wedding redo so they can cry into their hankies like real southern mothers are supposed to.” Charlie slapped a hand on Jensen’s shoulders and chuckled. “So you ask away and don’t you worry about a thing.”

“How… no offense, but how did you finally figure out that you were an… you know a…”

“An alcoholic?”

Charlie’s bluntness startled Jensen into looking the older man in the face. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t be asking you about this. It’s none of my business.”

“I think it probably is because you’re married to my son and he’s an alcoholic too and seems a country mile from admitting he has a problem.”

“He did, actually. Admit he had a problem, that is. But I think that had more to do with me getting hurt than really thinking about what it meant for himself.”

“He hurt you son? Is there something more than booze we need to worry about here?” Charlie had sat up ramrod straight and was scrutinizing Jensen’s face intensely.

“No! No, Jared just passed out drunk outdoors and I stayed out there with him all night. Thing with being a cancer survivor is that people tend to worry about you in ways that they wouldn’t normally.”

“Damn right he should, just like you’re here worried about him. It’s called love, son, and I’m afraid it doesn’t get better. Least not if it’s true love anyway. Listen, I’m not gonna sugar coat it for you Jensen. I managed to teach my son everything that I needed to learn. He spent most of his life watching his old man climb into a bottle and havin’ that be normal. I…well, you asked how I knew I was an alcoholic. It’s not that you don’t already know, it’s more that you can’t admit it even to yourself, but you know deep down. How could I not know that getting’ drunk every Lord lovin’ day is ten kinds of wrong? Thing is alcoholics are pretty good at just blamin’ everything and everyone else. I drink because I got a job or maybe ‘cause I lost it. I drink because I’m in love or because the wife didn’t do the dishes. Everything good and bad is an excuse to drink, and if the world is going to hell around you because of it well that’s a reason to drink too.” Charlie stopped, took a deep breath, and looked straight at Jensen. “I admitted I was an alcoholic the day after I punched Jared so hard I gave him a concussion. I went to an AA meeting that was going on in the same damn hospital my son was in. Two days later I was still sober and Jared had dropped out of school and drove off with Denny to LA. And I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen him since.”

“You hit him? He never told me.” Jensen was at a loss. He never suspected this.

“Just the once, but I don’t suppose that changes the fact that I did it and that was all it took to ruin our relationship forever. I’m sorrier than I can say that the only legacy I gave my son is this disease.”

“I love him Mr. Padalecki and I don’t know what to do. The whole world hates me and now I think he does too.”

“Imma call bullshit on that son. A whole lotta people don’t know shit from shinola and I know that don’t stop them from saying otherwise, but they don’t matter too much in my opinion. I think that you probably have a whole lotta people that love you. I can see that Jared is one of them and you have us now too.”

Jensen can’t help but break down a little at that. It’s been months of attacks from all corners. And sure, he did have a lot of people that love him like his mom and dad and Christian and Steve, but he’s a married man and wanted to prove that he wasn’t just the spoiled protected kid he was accused of being. The thing was that it had been wearing him down piece by piece, and as Jared retreated more and more into his drinking, listening to the venom Denny spouted Jensen felt weaker than ever. The tears come and quickly devolve into wracking sobs. 

“I…I’m m s.s.sorry.”

“No sorrys. Come here. I can’t do much for Jared, but I can comfort my new son.” Charlie grabbed Jensen up in his arms and held him through the tears. For the first time in a long time he allowed himself to feel. 

Things didn’t really get easier from there. Jared was still tense and rude. Judy Padalecki was sad and uncomfortable and Charlie accepted the brunt of Jared’s hate with good grace though tinged with deep hurt. And Jensen was stuck in the middle of it all trying to be the grown-up no one had ever needed him to be. But after his cry with Charlie he felt more a part of the family and that seemed to make a difference. When the time came to leave Jensen got a hug from Charlie and a tear-filled kiss on the cheek from Judy.

“I’m so glad Jared has you Jensen. You’ll take care of my boy, right.” Judy wiped at her eyes and studiously avoided Jared’s eyes. 

“I’m going to try, ma’am. I love him very much. I’m glad I finally got to meet y’all.”

“We’ll see you at Thanksgiving in Dallas. Your mother and I have so much to plan.”

Charlie’s words from earlier about a wedding redo echoed in his head and he found he didn’t mind in the least. Yeah things were hard right now, but there was no way in hell that he was letting Jared go without a fight. Earlier he had thought it would only be a wedding for a dying marriage, but now he wanted, no needed, to feel hopeful. His resolve from the night of the Mi Casa concert was strengthened, though he was also beginning to understand that it wasn’t going to be easy and it wasn’t going to be pain free. The trick was going to be convincing Jared to hang on too.

 

5 Palms Drive  
San Antonio TX  
Side of the Road  
February 15, 2013

Jensen couldn’t imagine a more poorly named street. In the middle of the South Texas subdivision with ranch houses on one side and an abandoned lot full of scrub brush on the other, 5 Palms Drive didn’t call to mind palm trees or really any vegetation that couldn’t grow up through cracks in concrete or be manicured by middle-aged surburbanites. All the same he found himself grabbing for his camera. He knew that Jared wanted to talk; needed to talk after the visit to his parents’ house, but he also knew there was no use hurrying him. So he gave Jared space by rolling down his window and snapping some pictures, thinking how great they would look in sepia. 

He was rewarded for his patience when a big but gentle hand touched the back of his neck.

“I make you cry.”

“Yeah.”

“You cried on our second date.”

“Yeah, well I had poisoned you. Also, internet rumor has it that I’m a cry baby. Actually I think the exact words were manipulative cry baby.”

“They don’t know you, goddamn it! I do and I know that it’s me. I make you cry.”

“Yeah, but that’s because I love you.”

“Doesn’t seem like love to me.”

“Do you love me?”

“God Jensen. How can you ask? How can you not know?”

“Jay. Do you love me?”

“Yes. Yes, damn it. Oh God I do. But…”

“Don’t say it. I know what you’ll say. But I’m too young, too spoiled - but you’re too messed up, too drunk. Hell we’re too everything. But nothing! I love you and you love me and we’ll figure it out.”

Jared just stared at him. He couldn’t figure out how he had gotten so lucky. Jensen was offering him complete understanding, complete forgiveness and all he had to do was reach out and take it. He was still afraid and knew that he would lose it all eventually, but damn it he would take what he could. He pulled Jensen across the seat and kissed him. “Yeah, we’ll figure it out. Just… just give me a chance.”

“I’ll give you all the chances in the world, my love.”

 

Omni La Mansión del Rio  
112 College Street  
San Antonio, Texas 78205  
February 15, 2013

It felt so good to hold Jensen close as they rode up the hotel elevator, to see Jensen smile up at him and he should have know it would go to shit. That was how things were. You got knocked down, climbed and clawed your way back up just to get knocked down again. But in that moment, feeling the heat of Jensen’s body melt into his, Jared just wanted to be happy. That happiness lasted all the way to the their hotel suite. 

Amanda was there and so was Denny. Amanda was looking worried, sad, and something completely foreign, something unidentifiable. Denny was looking 100% pure smug.

“What’s going on? Kinda need the room to ourselves right now.”

Amanda opened her mouth and closed it when no words came. 

“OK. I have never seen you speechless, so someone better tell me what the hell is going on before I freak out. Looks like you can’t wait to tell me Den, so out with it.”

“No! Just keep your mouth shut Myers. Look Jared the guy was just looking for a story. We all know this is a load of crap beginning to end. So just don’t fly off the handle.” Amanda was looking intently at Jensen who was uncomfortable with the attention.

“What the hell are you talking about? Is this about Collins’ article? Listen I knew he was gonna write about my drinking and I gotta face up to it…”

“It’s not just that Jared.” She walked to Jensen and pulled him aside. “Jensen, you need to know we don’t believe what he wrote, but people will and…”

Jensen looks as confused as Jared feels. “Someone better tell me what the fuck is going on or so help me.”

“Hey man. You know I didn’t wanna be the one to rain on your pride parade or anything,” Denny sauntered up to Jared and slapped a copy of Rolling Stone onto his chest. “but I did fuckin’ warn you. Check out the last paragraph it’s a work of art. That Collins sure has a flair for the fuckin’ dramatic.” He slapped his friend on the back and laughed as he walked out the door with a spring in his step.

Jared stared after him and felt dread pool in his stomach. Which was then churned when Amanda, tough as nails, take no prisoners, Amanda Tapping hugged Jensen before quietly leaving the room. He brought the magazine up to read. 

Not With a Bang, but With a Whimper, the Death of a Rock Band (excerpt)  
By Misha Collins  
Rolling Stone February 15

And so while we like to think of rock bands being eternal or going out with a blinding bang the truth is that like a fire they burn hot, hot, hot and then smolder out in a long, cold death. Is Violent Reaction still burning hot? The fans would like to think so. They, like so many of us, would like to think that there is more great music to come, but being on the inside provides the truth. Violent Reaction died a while ago, they just don’t realize their heart stopped beating. Perhaps the situation can be summed up by the events of their famous end of tour show at the iconic Mi Casa Tamales in San Antonio. After singing a beautiful rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Rose of My Heart” to his husband, Padalecki drank and played and drank even more and played uninspired versions of their old hits and drank even more still, completely missing that the ‘Rose’ had left in the comforting embrace of Christian Kane. Was it a concert or a memorial? Only time will tell.

 

Omni La Mansión del Rio  
112 College Street  
San Antonio, Texas 78205  
February 15, 2013 

“No Jared! No I didn’t sleep with Chris. I would never, never cheat on you. I love you, you idiot. I love you.” There were tears making their way down pale freckled cheeks and Jared felt it like a punch to the stomach. Jensen was so much younger than him. In years yes, but not just that. He was younger in spirit. He was supposed to take care of Jensen. He was supposed to be everything for Jensen. But he’s not and knowing that brings guilt, sadness, and anger. Anger is the easiest to deal with.

“Really Jensen. On our first date you told me you were in love with Christian Kane. Every time something goes wrong he’s the one you run to, not me! Collins saw you. He wrote about it and now the whole fucking world is gonna think I’m a chump. A stupid fag who married a spoiled princess; a spoiled cheating princess. Maybe they’re right, huh princess?” He takes a giant swig of bourbon and then throws the bottle against the mirror next to Jensen.

“Stop! Please Jared stop.” Jensen has pulled in on himself and all Jared can focus on is the lines of bourbon that course down his face joining the tears already there. Jesus that was close. He had come so damn close to hurting the person he loves most. 

What he really needed was another drink; knew there were a few little bottles of Wild Turkey in the mini bar and he wanted them right the hell now. But there couldn’t possibly be enough booze in the whole fucking world to help him deal with what was happening though and he was snapped back to the present situation by Jensen moving away from the now broken mirror. He moved to the bed, grabbing his camera bag and backpack, and it was happening. The thing Jared had been living in fear of was happening. Jensen was leaving. Jensen was leaving him.

“No Jensen, don’t go. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I won’t ever hurt you. Please don’t go.”

“I have to Jay. If I don’t go right now I won’t ever have the courage to again. I love you, but I can’t be with you right now.” He sounded calm and that set Jared off again. A part of his brain was screaming at him to just take a look at his husband’s eyes and see how absolutely wrecked he was. But the rest of him was hurt, angry, and oh so very drunk.

“Fine, go running off to Chris. See if anyone cares. I guess the fans aren’t quite right about you being the next Yoko Ono. She stuck with her husband ‘til death did they part. Maybe you’re more like Courtney Love. Sucked Kurt Cobain dry then left him for dead,” he yelled to Jensen’s back, as he was heading to the door. “Is that what you want Jensen? Do you want me dead?”

“Don’t ever say anything like that again, you stupid asshole. I’m gonna tell you again because the whiskey apparently makes you hard of hearing. I love you, not Christian. I didn’t cheat. I went to Chris because I was worried about you and about how I’ve been feeling lately. I got scared and did just what you asked me not to do. I ran to him instead of telling you. I’m sorry about that. But you aren’t yourself anymore Jay. You drink and I don’t know who you are. I’m leaving, but if…when you’re ready for help, I’ll be there for you. God help me I’ll always be right here for you.” He reached for the door handle and without looking back added, “I’ll let you know if … never mind”

“What?”

“Bye Jared.”

Jensen was gone with nothing more than the quiet snick of the hotel door closing. And then all hell broke loose. Contrary to the myth of the drunken rock god, Jared had never in his whole life trashed a hotel room. When he finally tired out, the room was beyond destroyed and there were people banging on the door. He was breathing heavy and retching into the toilet and it’s all ruined, everything.

 

Misha Collins September 2013

I was still with the band, but the story was just about to be put to bed. The layout looked great and the steel of the story suited my ennui. The ironic thing was that they were using pictures that Jensen had taken. He had thanked me like I was doing him a favor, when really they were just amazing pictures. There was an honesty in his photography that really fit the piece. 

If I had just stayed away from the end of tour party maybe everything would have been fine. If I hadn’t seen Jensen leave the party with Christian Kane’s arm wrapped protectively around him maybe I could have avoided the biggest fuck up of my career. If I had just retained my journalistic integrity, if I wasn’t angry and spiteful, if my editor had seen the mistake instead of acting like a shark with blood in the water, if I had listened to my wife – maybe maybe maybe! Who knows. But I saw them and I had the idea for the perfect ending to my piece. I saw it as the ultimate symbol of all that was happening to the band. I saw it as literature and forgot that it was someone’s life. So with a quick email to the editor and some fast work with the printer, the magazine got printed.

Vicki was in Vancouver interviewing someone for her next book so I spent a couple of days relaxing. Went to see the Alamo and some other touristy stuff. I really should have gotten out of D odge because the article was only going to take a couple of days turnaround. It was set to hit the stands after I left, but my luck left me stranded. 

My flight back had been cancelled and so the next day found me at the airport proudly flicking through the mag that had hit stands that morning. That’s what I was doing when my conscience came back with a vengeance. Jensen Ackles was walking down the hallway past my gate and Jesus he looked terrible. Where there once had been a smiling sweet young man, there was a shell, eyes red-rimmed and empty. He walked like it was all he could do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I should have run, or turned around, or something, but I just couldn’t turn away and inevitably he saw me. For a moment our gazes locked and I was expecting almost anything from an angry tirade to the young man’s usual sweet-hearted hello. But instead he just started to cry before hurrying past head hung low and shoulders tense. And I had played a part in doing this. I didn’t know if Jensen was having an affair with Chris Kane, but that didn’t matter. I had become a gossip monger not a writer. Because of what others said about me, because I had lost faith in myself, I had become just what they said I was and in the process someone else was hurt.

 

San Antonio Police Department  
Central Substation  
515 South Frio, San Antonio Texas 78207  
February 16, 2013

Jared had expected he would get bailed out pretty quickly. He had watched Amanda work her magic getting one or the other of them out a jam quicker than it took them to get into it. Sure enough before he had spent more than an hour in an interrogation room (cause no way did the San Antonio police want the hassle of someone famous in the drunk tank) a cop was sticking his head in the door. 

“Okay, Mr. Padalecki you’ve posted bail. If you come this way the desk sergeant will give you the details of your bail agreement.” Jared followed behind the guy rubbing at his burning eyes and mentally preparing himself for Amanda’s wrath. He’d heard people talk about rock bottom and that when you hit that you were ready to get sober. He was in jail, hated his supposed best friend, was a fucking laughing stock, and worst of all Jensen was gone, but all he could think was that he wanted a goddamn drink.

After getting the spiel from the desk sergeant – yes he could leave the jurisdiction, he would get a notice to appear within the week, and he better show up famous or not because San Antonio wasn’t Los Angeles blah, blah, blah– and then there was no delaying the inevitable. He had to face hurricane Tapping and just get it the hell over with. It wasn’t his manager he was faced with when he pushed open the doors to the police station however. 

Chris Kane was leaning against one of the portico pillars looking for all he was worth to have not a care in the world. It made Jared’s blood boil. What did the smug son of a bitch want?

“Come to rub my nose in it? Let’s just get back in there and get your money back. My manager will bail me out. I don’t need your fucking charity.”

“Not charity and sure as hell ain’t gloating, asshole.”

“Well, you should be gloating. You got him and you better damn well treat him…”

“Shut up you stupid shit kicker. I swear you can take the boy outta Texas, but you sure as hell can’t kick the Texas outta the boy.” Kane walked right up into Jared’s space. “Get this straight. I don’t know what that reporter thought he saw, but nothing has ever happened between Jensen and me. If I was even slightly inclined to likin’ dick I woulda made a play years ago, but I’m not. He’s my friend and that’s the end of the story.”

“Don’t matter what someone’s packing in their pants. If you love them, well, if you love them you’d do anything to be with them.”

“Thing is I don’t really love Jenny that way. I don’t think he really loves me that way. Not the way he loves you. I was just there and made things easy for him. You don’t, and might piss me off, but I think that’s good for him.”

“Good for him? That’s funny, Kane. That why I practically hit him with a bottle of whiskey?”

“What the fuck? What the fuck did you do?”

“I made him cry. I made him leave. I…I…I lost him and I fucking deserved it.” The tears were threatening to spill over, but a few deep breaths and he reined it in He didn’t cry. Hadn’t cried in nine years. “Shit, can we do this somewhere else? Whatever it is you’re here to do. Did Jen send you to get something, ‘cause if that’s the case well there isn’t really anything salvageable in that room.” Jared walked past Chris wiping his eyes furiously. He really didn’t want to see himself like this on TMZ.

“Son, I haven’t spoken to Jensen since before that stupid article. He told me to back off and he would handle things.”

“Oh yeah, handle the divorce, handle cheating?

“No, handle getting you help. Listen if it was up to me, yeah I’d make Jen kick you to the curb, ‘specially with what you just told me. But it ain’t up to me. It’s up to you.”

“I’d say it was up to Jensen and he’s gone so lucky you, you get what you wanted. Where’s your car man? Just take me to a fucking bar or whatever, I’ll get you your money back, and you can get the hell outta here.” 

“Hell no, I’m not takin’ you to a…” 

Jared threw the punch and didn’t look back. He found a perfectly shitty dive bar a few blocks from the Central Substation and made himself at home. 

 

Diellmann’s  
745 South Medina Street  
San Antonio, Texas 78207  
February 16, 2013

Jared had no idea how long he’d been at the bar, didn’t even know how many whiskeys he’d thrown back, but he was good and drunk so it didn’t really matter all the much. 

“You sure I don’ know you from somewhere, man?” An equally inebriated man in a shabby suit, and the only other patron of the bar at mid-day on a Thursday, asked for the who knows what time. 

“No man. Maybe we shared a drink sometime.”

“Did you buy?”

“No way. Do I ever?” 

“No you don’t you cheap bastard.”

“You’re right. Hey bartender here’s a fiver. Get my buddy whatever he wants.” 

It was the fifth drink he’d bought for the guy and the bartender was unamused by the typical drunk conversation he heard on any given day. Calvin Dielmann had taken over the bar from his dad and lived in regret. “Sure. Whatever you say.” Daylight poured in as the door opened to admit a group of new customers. “What can I get you guys?”

Jared looked up, saw the new-comers, and groaned. Mike, Tom, and Chris sauntered in and took seats surrounding Jared. “Heya guys. Wanna drink. It’s on me.” 

“You really are a dumb fuck aren’t you?” Tom said.

“Yeah, it’s been said.”

“Hell, yeah he’s a dumb fuck.” Jared’s new booze buddy chimed in. “He don’ buy nobody no drinks never.” At which point he promptly passed out on the bar.

Jared found this hilarious and burst out laughing. “You heard the man. No drinks never.”

“So, we heard you screwed things up with Jensen.” Mike said ignoring Jared completely and nodding his head at the bartender. “Corona.”

“I screwed up, huh? Was I the one that slept with Christian? Must been pretty drunk not to remember that. I bet you are one hell of a ride cowboy.” 

“Sorry big guy, but even if I was into guys, I’m not into sloppy drunks.”

“Fuck you Kane.”

“Jared!” Tom shouted. “Just shut up for a minute would you? Just stop. Think for a minute okay? That kid loves you so goddamn much he flew all the way to Prague ‘cause you said you needed him. He’s put up with the stupid press, crazy fans, and our own special fucktard Denny for months because he fucking loves you. I can’t even imagine what that’s like; to have someone that devoted and you’d rather climb into a bottle of Jack.”

“He slept…”

“He didn’t. You know he didn’t. He told you, I told you, now just get over it.” Kane growled.

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered. The admission is a bit of a surprise even to Jared. “Not important. It’s just a matter of time anyway. Someone will figure out how perfect he is, and he’ll figure out how messed up I am, and that’ll be it. Maybe it’s better that it just ends right now.”

“Hey, Jared?” Mike walked behind his friend and put a hand on Jared’s neck. 

“Yeah, Mike.” 

“How do crazy people get through the forest?”

“I don’t Mike, how do crazy people get through the forest?”

“They take the psycho path.”

Jared laughed, first just a soft chuckle and than loud belly laughs that have his whole body shaking, but almost as quickly he found that he couldn’t catch his breath and the laughter turned to deep sobs. He was breaking. It had been nine long years since his father punched him, since he woke up in a hospital and cried. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. The dam was breaking and amazingly his friends were there to catch him. He couldn’t help thinking that it was more than he deserved.

“Come on man let’s get out of here. You don’t need an audience for this.” Tom hauled him up and Mike took up his position on the other side. 

Chris dropped a Benjamin on the bar and pointed a finger at the bartender. “This shit doesn’t leave the building got it?”

“Haven’t got a clue what you’re talkin’ about man, but fine with me. How about you take this asshole too?” Calvin tipped his head to the passed out drunk on his bar.

“Sorry, got my hands full with that one, he’s your problem.”

 

San Antonio International Airport  
9800 Airport Blvd.  
San Antonio, Texas 78216  
February 17, 2013

Jared had never felt as wiped out in his entire life. He had performed back to back shows after a 20 hour drive in the back of a smelly van hung-over on Everclear and that still didn’t compare to how he felt sitting in the airport waiting for the plane that would take him to LA where he could (hopefully) see Jensen before going to the rehab clinic that Amanda had found for him. KLEAN is right in the middle of West Hollywood, but it might as well be a world away. So, he had agreed after a night of misery and crying that he would go into rehab only if he could see Jensen first. He needed to apologize, explain, and plead something, anything. He just needed to see him and know that he was all right. 

“Son?”

Jared whipped around at the familiar voice. “Dad? What are you do…doing here?”

“Tom called.”

“And told you I fucked up.” Jared turned away and looked out the window. “How did you even get down here without a ticket?”

“Well, that’s ‘cause I’ve got one. And I aim to get on that plane with you and help you see this through.”

“What, you appointed yourself my babysitter?” Jared spat out. He had been so angry at his father for so long that he didn’t know how else to be. 

“I will get on that plane with you, if you want me to that is. Otherwise I’ll just walk on outta here and go back home. But whatever I do, you need to know that I’m proud of you son. I’ve always been proud of you. I haven’t been the father I should have. You learned to drink from me. The least I can do is be there while you learn to live without it.”

“Dad?”

“And I can be there for Jensen too.”

Dammit he didn’t want to cry anymore. His head fucking hurt and he told himself so many years ago that this man had caused enough tears. “I can’t Dad, please, not yet I can’t.”

“Okay, son.” Charlie’s shoulders slump, but he nodded his head firmly accepting Jared’s decision. “But when you’re ready, your mom and I will be there. It won’t be easy, but you got this son. Just don’t listen to what those magazines say and you’ll do fine.”

Charlie nods again to Chris this time conveying God knows what, but he shook his hand and patted Jared on the shoulder before he turning to leave.

“Dad?”

“Jared.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too son.”

 

Jensen Ackles Residence  
Sea Castle Apartments  
1725 Ocean Front Walk  
Santa Monica, CA 90401  
September 18, 2012

“Chris stop.” Jared stopped just down the hall from Jensen’s apartment. “He didn’t answer the phone. Maybe he’s not home. Maybe he just doesn’t want to see me. Of course he doesn’t want to see me.” Jared turned and started back to the exit.

“Son if you don’t go and knock on that door right now I will rip off your balls and feed them to you. Yeah, he might not want to see you, but you owe it to Jensen to let him make that decision. Now, man the hell up and do it.”

“Yeah, yeah you’re right. I just…I fucked up pretty bad and I’m a fucking coward so you know.”

“Yeah, I know. But lucky for you he’s pretty gone for you.”

“I’ve been gone for him from the second I saw him.”

“So, go get your man.”

A hard slap to the back was all it took to get Jared moving back to the door. He knocked once, hard and stepped back to wait. And wait. “See I told you. He isn’t even home.”

“Yeah he is. I called his mom and she said he said he was gonna be here all day. He said he thought he was coming down with a cold and was gonna stick to home all day.”

“You called Maria? Did you tell her about, you know, all this?” Jared sweeps his hand around himself like that encompasses the whole problem.

“No and near as I could figure Jensen hasn’t either. They’ve talked about the magazine, but… well she’s pretty good at ignoring that type of stuff.”

Jared bangs on the door again and again they wait.

“You got a key?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure I should…”

“Shut up and let’s get in there. Something might be wrong.”

Just the thought that Jensen could be hurt or something spurs Jared into action. He digs his keys from his pocket and opens the door double-time. “Jen. Jensen, it’s me. I just want to talk.”

“Jenny? Where the hell are you. Come on out here.” Chris wonders from the living room and kitchen to the study. Jared heads the opposite way to the bedroom and it’s beach view veranda. That is where Jensen is most likely to be. 

But the view out the French doors reveals nothing but the beach swathed in noonday sun. Jared figures Jensen is gone – out to work or walking on the beach, but not here. His shoulders slump because he knows that he has to get on the road for the rehab center, knows that if he waits too long he will change his mind. That’s when he catches it out of the corner of his eye. The very tip of one sock clad toe sticking out of the bathroom door.

“Jen!” He runs to the bathroom and the sight that greets him has his breath stuttering in his chest. “Chris! Chris get the fuck in here.”

Slamming to his knees on the unforgiving tile floor, Jared scoops Jensen up in his arms. He’s burning up, sweating and shaking, while air rattles in and out of his lungs. “Baby boy, please open your eyes, please.” He taps at Jensen’s cheek and runs fingers through his sweat damp hair. 

“Jesus. Jensen! What the hell is wrong with him?” Chris was in the doorway with every ounce of cool ripped right out of him.

“How the fuck should I know? He’s got a fever and his breathing is just, I don’t know, all wrong, you know. Just call an ambulance or something.”

Things happened in both slow motion and hyper speed after that. It felt like forever that he sat in that bathroom just holding his husband, just trying to hold them both together, but when he thinks back later from the hospital it’s like it all happened too fast. The paramedics were there in the blink of an eye, pulling Jensen away from him and talking to each other in a spitfire language he couldn’t understand. And during all of it Jensen didn’t open his eyes, didn’t move, and didn’t make a sound. 

 

Adult Intensive Care Unit (4 Central Wing)  
UCLA Medical Center, Santa Monica  
1250 16th Street  
Santa Monica, CA 90404  
February 18, 2013

Jared 

They won’t let Jared stay in the room with his husband who isn’t his husband according to the great state of California. He laughs to himself when he realizes that he is going to have to do that interview with The Advocate now. Of course the Ackles had made it quite clear to the hospital staff that Jared was to be included in any and all aspects of Jensen’s care. That doesn’t change that only direct family are allowed to sit with Jensen for short periods of time. He hasn’t gotten to touch him; to see for himself that Jensen is alive. It’s ripping him apart. And to top it all off is the looming knowledge that he is going to have to get himself either into rehab or a bottle of whiskey real damn soon.

The doctors tell them that Jensen has streptococcus pneumonia. It’s a virulent form that is sometimes called galloping pneumonia which is why Jensen went from feeling a little sick to being at deaths door overnight. But while they are not saying the worst is over, the doctors assure them that they got Jensen to hospital in time and he is responding very well to the antibiotics. Jared can’t really take it all in, but both Jensen’s mom and dad seem concerned but calm so he hangs his hope on that. 

The plastic seat next to his creaks and groans. He’s shocked to realize that he hadn’t even been aware of anyone sitting down. He looks up and sees Andrew Ackles there, quiet and sad.

“How are you doing son?”

“How is Jensen? Any change? Did his oxygen levels go up? The doc said something about if they went up…”

“Jared. Jared stop. Jensen is doing okay. I know he gave you a scare, but he really is doing much better now. The antibiotics are kicking in. The doctor said that he just wanted to wait for his blood oxygen levels to hit 85% and then he can move him to a regular room. He figures that it will be by the end of the day. But that’s not why I came out here. I asked you how you are doing?”

“How I’m doing doesn’t really matter right now, does it?”

“I have a feeling that if he could, Jensen would argue with you about that.”

“I’m not sure how I’m feeling would matter to him. It shouldn’t. I...” Jared stopped, took a deep breath and then forged forward. They should know. Jensen’s parents should know how spectacularly he’d screwed up. “I messed up. I hurt Jensen a lot in the last couple of months. I started believing things I shouldn’t have and then that stupid article came out and I just figured that it proved those things right. I believed everyone else over Jensen, my own husband. God, how could I have been so stupid?” He pulls at his hair and slumps down over his knees. “And now I’ve gotta go before I even get to tell him how much I love him.”

“He knows.”

Jared just turns his head to the side to shot an unbelieving look at the man. 

“He does. He called us when he got back to California and told me what happened, well at least some of it. I told him that we would support him in whatever he wanted. But he knew what I meant was that he should come home and let us take care of him. He just laughed and said that he wasn’t gonna let you go so easily.”

“I really don’t deserve him.”

“Hey now, maybe it’s that kind of thinking that got you into this mess. I sure wouldn’t still be married, 31 years now, if it was dependent on me deserving Maria. And as far as deserving Jensen well, my son has been a miracle since day one. Maria and I waited a lot of years for Jensen and then when he was here it was just praying for one miracle after the other. So I gave up worrying about deserving and just concentrated on the loving.”

“I do love him, but it needs to be more than that. I wanna be the best man I can be for him.”

“Andy! He’s waking up.” Maria Ackles had bounced out of the room with a broad smile on her face. It was the best thing Jared had heard all day. 

Jensen

The first thing he noticed was the smell. He was more familiar with the smells and sounds of a hospital than most and it doesn’t take long for his brain to connect what he is smelling with where he is. He had known he was sick; had made an appointment with Dr. Bob. But he couldn’t figure out how he ended up in the hospital. All he could think was that it must be as bad as he feared. He kept his eyes closed and willed his breathing to slow. He had been preparing for the cancer to come back practically from the moment he went into remission. He could handle this. 

“Jensen? Can you open your eyes for me baby boy. I’ve missed you so much.” He couldn’t deny that beloved voice anything. 

The brightness of the room forced him to blink and squint, but he opened eyes like he’d been asked to. “Jared? What happened?”

“Baby you’ve been so sick. You scared me.” Jared leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead and then stretched his arms over his head, his back popping. “You were taking your usual hour to wake up so your parents went to get coffee. I’ll go get them.”

“No. Jared just tell me. How bad is it?” Jensen grabbed Jared’s arm and refused to let go.

“What?” The fear in Jared’s eyes is more than he can take.

“The cancer Jay, how bad is it?”

“No, no Jen. Not cancer. You just had a nasty case of pneumonia. The cancer isn’t back.”

“Why do you look so worried then. Are you lying to me? I can take…”

“I wouldn’t lie about that. God you thought the cancer was back even back in San Antonio. And you went through that alone.” 

Jensen wanted to reassure Jared, but really he just felt, well frankly tired, but also so relieved. When he had started to feel fatigued and sleepless he had jumped to the conclusion that it was the big C. Now he could breathe easier, well not that either, because his chest felt kind of like someone left a pigmy rhino on it. He felt Jared’s hand on his and let himself relax. They didn’t have to think or worry about anything right now. He let sleep begin to pull him back under. 

“Jen? Baby boy, I need to talk to you, but I don’t have time.”

“What? Why?” Jensen pried his eyes open to look at his husband.

“Chris is here…”

“Please Jared, why can’t you believe me. I would never…will never cheat on you. Chris is just my friend.” The pronouncement left him short of breath.

“Hey, hey take it easy. I know. Kind of a little too little and a little too late, but I believe you. I know you didn’t sleep with Chris. I should have always known, I think maybe I did. But that’s not…well we’re gonna hafta talk about all of that later baby, ‘cause Chris is here and he’s takin’ me to rehab.”

“Rehab?”

“Yeah, about time don’t you think? Your folks have got all the information and I wish I could stay with you. I want to stay with you, but if I don’t go now I’ll figure out a way to weasel out of it. I couldn’t even make it the day with out sneaking out for a beer. You’re in the damn hospital barely able to breath and I gotta get booze.” Jared just shook his head and laughed without a hint of humor. “So Chris is gonna make sure I get there and then he’s gonna come back here and look out for you for me.”

“I’m so, God, I’m so proud of you love. I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you love me. Say you’ll wait for me? I don’t got the right to ask, but please wait for me.”

“I love you and I already told you I’ll always be here for you. Get better and come back to me.”

“Aye, aye captain.” Jared caressed Jensen’s cheek and watched his eyelids droop. He wished with every fiber of his being that he didn’t have to leave, but if he didn’t he would lose Jensen and himself forever.

“I’m so tired Jared.”

“I know baby boy. Just close your eyes.” 

As Jensen did as he was told, Jared quietly sang into his ear – “You are the rose of my heart, You are the love of my life. A flower not faded nor falling apart, If you’re tired, rest your head on my arm. Rose of my heart.”

Chris came and pulled on his elbow once Jensen was soundly sleeping. Jared wouldn’t see him again for three weeks.

 

US Weekly  
Star Watch

 

Rocker Jared Padalecki is headed to rehab. After finishing their most recent world tour the guitarist for Violent Reaction checked into rehab. With a drunk and disorderly charge pending in San Antonio, his controversial husband in the hospital for undisclosed reasons, and a scathing article in Rolling Stone, February has been a rocky month for Padalecki. Sources close to the musician confirm that he has checked into a Los Angeles drug and alcohol treatment center. Management for the band, Q-Prime, expressed their support for Padalecki in a statement released Tuesday, however they have refused to answer questions about Violent Reaction’s future.

 

KLEAN Treatment Center  
8543 Santa Monica Blvd #11  
West Hollywood, CA 90069  
March 9, 2013

Jared sat in the wicker chair in the outside courtyard. Jensen was there. Was breathing the same air as him and he was pretty damned terrified. Three weeks into the program and Jared didn’t feel like he was making any progress. Okay, sure he was clean, hadn’t had a drop of liquor since the day he came here, but he still wanted. How could he face Jensen when the craving was still so strong? His addiction was winning and so he would have to find a way to let Jensen go.

Jensen was participating in the family session after which there would be lunch and then they would have time alone and that was when he would need to tell his husband that they should call it quits; Jensen should get as far away from him as fast as he could. The problem was that just the thought of it made him want to start hyperventilating.

“Jay.”

He was there looking healthy and beautiful and, Jesus, so happy. “Jen. Jen.” The words were gone. It’d been so long that he felt like maybe he forgot the affect this man had on him. “You look great. Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“Yeah, well my mom is making sure of it. You know.” The four feet between them is both awkward and insurmountable. “I see what you were saying. It’s really nice here. It’s kind of hard to believe we’re in LA. The pier has been keeping me company, but I still miss you so much.”

“I can’t…I don’t.” And that was when the tears stupidly reappeared. 

“Jay.” Jensen was in his arms before he could say anything else.

“You gotta stop Jen. I love you so much and if you can’t even be angry with me how can I let you go.”

“Let me go. What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been listening to that song, you know. That Blue October song where he asks her to hate him to run away to get fucking away while she can. Always loved that song; s’gotta real pretty melody. But I’m listening to it a coupla days ago and I finally listen to what the guy’s saying and I fucking get it. I get that it’s about being righteous, you know, doing the right thing. I want to have you with me, but Jesus, I can’t guarantee that I won’t fuck everything up again and again and I’m sober now, but what if…what if.” And this was the moment where Jared was supposed to beg Jensen to go and have the good life he deserved far away from him, but he just…fucking…can’t! “Oh god, I can’t do this. I love you and I’m fucking selfish. Don’t go…Please.” He runs out of breath and slumps exhausted into Jensen’s arms. 

They could hear the noise from the family lunch wafting through the open windows behind them quiet and real. It tethered them in the moment. 

“Jay, love, if you need a soundtrack for our lives, well, you’re going to have to write it yourself, because I’m not going to hate you and I’m not going anywhere. It’s hard right now, but we will make it through. It’s a bad day, but tomorrow will be better and the next one better yet. You’re going to get better.” 

Jensen was spoiled and he always got what he wants. If he wants this, him – them, than who is Jared to say otherwise. He took that beautiful open face in his hands and could do nothing but breathe and take the kiss that had been his all along. 

That night Jared wrote for the first time in a long damn time and it felt great. It felt like Jensen might just be right. He was going to get better. 

 

TMZ.com

More Bad Luck for Mega Band Violent Reaction

Denny Myers, lead singer of Violent Reaction was involved in a devastating car accident in the early morning hours today on Northbound Ventura Highway. Police have released very little information, but TMZ has discovered that the car Myers was driving left the roadway after missing a turn. The musician was airlifted to an area hospital. The location and his condition are being withheld. With Myers condition unknown and the band’s guitarist, Jared Padalecki, in treatment for alcohol dependence, the fate of Violent Reaction is not looking good. EMI, the band’s label, refused to answer any questions about either Padalecki or Myers, referring to earlier press releases.

 

Cedars-Sinai Medical Center  
8700 Beverly Blvd.  
Los Angeles, CA 90048  
Surgical Intensive Care Unit  
March 13, 2013

 

Denny woke to confusion and pain. He blinked a few times, took in his surroundings, and tried to clear away some of the cobwebs filling his head. He was still in the ICU and Jensen Ackles was still at his bedside. It was a crazy fucking world. He didn’t remember the car accident, but he did remember downing Jägermeister and then snorting a couple of lines of coke with a buddy of his. What he doesn’t remember is getting into his ’72 Stingray and deciding to cruise the Ventura Highway. He doesn’t remember leaving the road and wrapping said Stingray around a century old oak tree. He remembers waking up with a tube down his throat and feeling like he had been hit by a truck…that was on fire…and then backed over for good measure.

But against all odds he had survived. His lungs are for shit (that will happen when a steering wheel pushes your rib cage through them) so he spends most of his days receiving respiratory therapy and going in and out of surgery to repair his mangled leg and crushed pelvis. The doctors have told him he will probably walk again, but can’t make any promises. He also spent the first few days after coming out of the coma dealing with cravings that just about killed him. He was lucky enough to have been unconscious for the withdrawal, but his brain could care less if his body didn’t need the booze and the pills and the fucking coke. He had been officially charged with reckless driving, driving under the influence of alcohol, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, and fucking speeding of all things. Violent Reaction management had washed their hands of him and he was legally on his own. So basically his life sucked. But there was Jensen. Jensen fucking Ackles whose life he made hell, who he hated without consideration, whose marriage he did his damnedest to ruin was there practically from day one. The damn kid was there when he woke up that first time and had held his hand while doctors pulled a giant fucking tube out of his throat and he was terrified he was going to die. He found a lawyer willing to handle the legal crap that was piling up, read letters from Jared from rehab (they were pretty angry even though Jensen tried to not sound that way), loaded his iPod up with music and audiobooks, smuggled in his favorite French dip and lemonade from Phillipe, and showed him the pictures that were going into the tour book Amanda cooked up. 

His pride screamed at him to rebuke the kindness; wanted to keep hating Jensen, but Jesus he was lonely and every time he snapped at the kid Jensen just gave him that look, those eyes that had Jared giving in every damn time. So he gave in and let Jensen stay. And without even knowing it, without even wanting it they became friends. By the time he was headed to a rehabilitation center up in Napa he was actually sad to leave Jensen behind. 

 

KLEAN Treatment Center  
8543 Santa Monica Blvd #11  
West Hollywood, CA 90069  
March 30, 2013

Jared was worried. No, that wasn’t true. He was scared shitless. It was time to leave rehab. It was time to go out in the real world and stay sober. And no matter how much they told him he was ready and that he would still have the support of the recovery community, he just wasn’t sure they were right. But it was time and it was worth it to be with Jensen everyday.

He was finished with his final session and his counselor Doug had given him the go ahead to leave. He had smiled at Jared and given him a big hug.

“It’s alright to be scared Jared. I know that you aren’t feeling confident, but I’m telling you man I haven’t felt this good on someone’s last day in a long time. You’re committed and you know how to ask for help now. You’re gonna make it man.”

Chris and Jensen were coming to pick him up and he figured that he would have to tell them to turn around and leave him there because there was no way that this was gonna work. He was a fucked up alcoholic loser and that’s all he was ever gonna be. Covered in flop sweat and shaking slightly he sat on the couch in the lounge and waited.

“Jay, love, are you ready?”

Jared hadn’t even heard them come in, but suddenly Jensen was there in front of him green eyes wide and happy and all of the uncertainty flew out the window. “Yeah, I think I am.” And he really was, with his beautiful boy by his side he was ready to face the world.

 

City of Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter  
3201 Lacy Street  
Los Angeles, CA 90031  
March 30, 2013

 

Jared sat next to Jensen in the back seat of his SUV content to let Chris chauffer them wherever it was they were going. He assumed they would be staying at Jensen’s apartment. His place hadn’t seen a living soul in close to half a year. It didn’t really matter anyway. The only thing that mattered right then was Jensen and how close he was and how he was babbling on and on about what had been going on during Jared’s six weeks in rehab. He showed him what had to be every photo he had taken while Jared was gone. There were pictures of the hospital up in Napa where Denny was recuperating, Tom and Jamie eating cotton candy taken at Santa Monica Pier, and ones of their parents laughing and acting like they were old friends. Jared just soaked it all in barely aware when the car came to a smooth stop and the engine quieted.

“Alright guys this is where I get off.” Chris left the car and waited for them to join him on the sidewalk.

“Where are we?” The neighborhood didn’t look familiar to Jared.

“It’s Jensen’s surprise son. I don’t want him mad at me ‘cause I ruined it. Now you remember if you need someone to talk to who won’t just give you goo-goo eyes you give me a call.” Jared was taken off guard by Chris’ fierce hug.

“Hey, get off my husband you hick.” Jensen pushed Chris away and grabbed Jared’s hand. “Come on Jay!” 

“Okay, okay, you possessive fucker.”

“Just the way I like it.” He says to Christian with a growl, just a half hour with Jensen and he felt himself coming alive. To Jensen he just smiled. “I’m comin’ baby boy.” 

It doesn’t take him long to realize where they are headed. A canvas sign declaring North Central Animal Center is stretched across the top of the unassuming building. He can’t believe it. His counselor back at KLEAN had suggested that he needed a new hobby or interest to fill his time in those first days and weeks living sober in the real world. When he had mentioned that to Jensen on the second family day the young man had grinned shyly and said he might have just the thing. 

Jensen, who had been excitedly pulling Jared along, stops short at the front door. He knows why. 

“We don’t have to do this Jen. It was a great idea and I love you for it, but…”

Jensen yanks him through the front door, cutting him off. “It is a great idea and we’re gonna do it. I can’t always be scared of everything.”

They make it past the front desk quickly. Apparently Jensen had been in before and filled out all of the appropriate paper work and had predictably charmed the entire staff. With hellos and even a couple of hugs they were ushered into the back where the kennels were. As the sound of barking increased so did the pressure of Jensen’s hand on his and Jared wanted to call the whole thing off, but he just couldn’t. He wanted a dog, had wanted a dog for so long.

There were so many and knowing that some would be euthanized if he didn’t pick them didn’t make choosing any easier. He felt like a child wishing he could just take them all home. After what felt like forever, he had it narrowed down to an overly giant, overly happy mastiff of some variety, and a sweet girl german shepherd mix. The worker that had been following after them entertaining an obviously terrified Jensen with little success took the opportunity to suggest taking them both out to the small greeting yard. 

The mastiff, named Harley, was brought out first. When he bounded over to them Jensen squeaked and hid behind Jared. 

“Don’t worry, Jen. Look.” Jensen peaked out around Jared’s arm. “He’s just a big ole softy. He started wrestling with the big guy laughing as they ended up in a heap on the grass.

“He’s not the only one.” Jensen said, fondly.

The second dog came out while Jared was still playing with Harley and he kind of wished they had waited. He loved Harley and had already made his decision. Meeting the other one would just feed his guilt. Of course everything stood still as the girl dog bounded out and then came to a dead stop when Jensen stiffened. She sniffed the air and then slowly, so slowly, came up to Jensen with her head held low in submission. Jared could see that Jensen was scared, his breathing coming quick and shallow, but he didn’t run. He watched as the two came together. The dog licked Jensen’s hand and then nudged it with her nose until she was being petted.

“You’re a nice dog, huh? Look Jay I think she likes me.” 

There was no way they were leaving without the incredible dog that had quietly won Jensen’s affection and there was no way he could part with his insta-buddy Harley. This was not the kind of conflict he needed on his first day out.

“Maybe we can take both of them. What do you think Jay?” Jensen was still petting the shepherd’s head, stiffening only a little when she moved to sit at his feet.

“Yeah, Jen I think that would be great.”

Later sitting on the back porch of his house, which Jensen had moved into two weeks earlier and had made light and airy with flowers and sun, Jared breathed deep and easy watching Jensen throw a tennis ball to Harley. The girl dog, Sadie, sat firmly next to Jensen huffing disdainfully at the other dog’s antics. Each time Harley would drop the slobbery ball at Jensen’s feet, he would make a face at Jared, but still pick it up and throw it again. 

He had called his sponsor as soon as he got home and set up a time to meet and confirmed the AA meeting he’d go to that night, picked from a neatly printed out list Jensen had attached to the fridge with a magnet. It hung next to a picture of the two of them in New York taken while the ink was still drying on their marriage certificate. That seemed so long ago and yet…

Jared had everything he wanted and needed right here and right now. Family, love, security. Everything he had been searching for (without even having labels for it) before that fateful meeting in a West Hollywood photo studio. But happiness doesn’t just fall in your lap. It’s a journey and now he had the perfect partner to walk that path with. 

 

Jared Padalecki  
8833 Wonderland Avenue  
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Denny Myers  
10 Woodland Road  
St. Helena, CA 94574

 

Jared,

Well, I gotta do this step crap and mostly its working. So I figure I gotta keep working it, but I been putting off doing this making amends thing as long I can. Hell, we all know I’m an asshole, I don’t really see what I gain from rehashing all the stupid crappy shit I’ve done to everyone. Except for you, man. I know I gotta work things out with you.  
You remember when you kissed me when we were in the 9th grade? That was one the best days of my fucking life. Don’t freak out. It wasn’t the kiss. I wasn’t ever lying about not being into you or any guys. But that was the first time I ever had power over someone. The way you looked at me when I told you it was a no go. I think if I had punched you or told you it was gross it would have been over, but the fact that I had let your ass down easy was what did it. You loved me and you would do anything I asked you to. At home my dad was beating the crap out of me and my mom just couldn’t work up the energy to give two craps, but man I had you and that never changed until you said you were quitting the band. I still don’t know if I was more scared or angry. Then you go and get hooked up with Jensen. The look in your eyes when he flew all the way to Prague or wherever we were was terrifying. You love him more than you ever loved me. You love him more than you love anything. I could see it in your face. I was right. I had to get that back for myself and I didn’t care if I hurt you or Jensen or anybody in the process cause if you don’t love me nobody fucking does. It’s fucking pathetic but it’s the truth. I knew I could play on your insecurities. Just had to make you think you weren’t good enough for him and you’d be all mine again. So that’s what I did just a whisper in your ear was enough or well it wasn’t really. If Collins hadn’t written that stupid story you would have worked it out. Hell what the fuck am I saying. He did write that story and you two still worked it out. But I get it you lucky freak. Jensen is a good guy. A better friend than I deserve, but not better than you deserve. I’m sorry Jared. I’m sorry for always holding you down and I’m sorry I tried to take Jensen away from you. I hope we can be real friends some day.  
Denny

 

Rolling Stone - Album Reviews  
September 2013

Aura  
* * * * *  
Journeys In The Red

 

The debut album From the Phoenix from Aura isn’t anything anyone expected. When Violent Reaction officially disbanded and this new band formed many assumed their sound would be a carbon copy of Violent Reaction just without the name that had been surrounded with too much controversy of late. Happily Aura is it’s own entity, with it’s own sound and it’s own, well for lack of a better term aura. The band consists of three of the members of Violent Reaction (guitarist Jared Padalecki, bassist Tom Welling, and drummer Mike Rosenberg) and a revolving roster of singers. Taking a page out of Carlos Santana’s book the band has taken on a varied and unexpected line-up of singers. But no matter the singer, the real force behind each of these songs is writer Jared Padalecki. Fresh off a stint in rehab, Padalecki has crafted a heartfelt album. He has been a consistently good songwriter, filling the airwaves with hard-hitting rock music built to please the masses. However, the last Violent Reaction album hinted at deeper waters. Unfortunately it ultimately landed short, with songs that were more unsure than deep. Here he is successful from start to finish, confident and vulnerable at the same time.  
The most notable songs are “Shut Up!” the bass driven, quick-witted push back against the internet and the cruelty engendered by the anonymity of a message board. The choice of Miley Cyrus is inspired. Not only does she get the chance to stretch her vocal skills, but to put her heart into a topic we’re sure she knows well. “Don’t Know Him Like I Do” sung by Denny Myers, is so full of hooks that it will become another radio regular for Padalecki. The complicated beat, reminiscent of Stewart Copeland of The Police surprises, hinting at Rosenberg’s untapped talent. Myers’ voice is better than ever having lost none of the power after an accident that left the singer in a wheelchair. The album ends with Padalecki himself singing and accompanying himself on acoustic guitar. The cover of Johnny Cash’s “Rose of My Heart” is an unabashed love song to his husband. While he’ll never win an award for his singing, it hardly matters. The depth is what matters here. That is perhaps the key to the whole album’s success – heart.  
Download this song now: “Shut Up!”

 

Misha Collins September 2013 

I went home after watching Jensen Ackles fall apart in an airport in Texas pretty broken myself. What had seemed perfectly fine while writing this story, was now so clearly fucked up. When did I stray so far from my principles, my ethics, hell never mind any of that high-minded stuff? How had I strayed so far from my artistic style? I read and reread that damn article all the way back to JFK and marveled at how ridiculously bad it was. Of course I got back to an iPhone full of congratulations and writing assignments. I realized in that moment that we hadn’t really evolved much beyond the Roman Coliseum. People love to watch heroes fall and blood get spilled. Maybe they just want confirmation that the rich and famous weren’t so different from them and that bad luck and bad decisions could touch anybody. I don’t know. All I do know is that I got back to my apartment feeling like ten kinds of bastard, needing a shower and a hug. I got the latter from my wife as soon as I walked in the door before she shoved me in the bathroom for the former. She didn’t tell me it would be all right. She knew that wasn’t what I needed to hear. She let me spill the whole story, she let me cry in self-pity, and then she told me to put on my big boy pants and fix it.

I hope that’s what I did. I ended up writing a book after all. Somehow Jared and Jensen became the center of it all. I wanted to write about fame and our relationship to it. I wanted to write the real story of Violent Reaction’s slow death, and in contrast my own quick descent, and I think that I did that. However, what it became without my even trying was a love story. The title played on the barbs and jabs thrown at Jensen while turning it into a positive. Many people blame Yoko Ono for ruining the Beatles, but many others see hers and John Lennon’s story as a great romance. I found the perfect title when my wife, after having met the boys, said “Misha, dear, Yoko Ono’s got nothing on Jensen Ackles. Everyone should be so lucky and loved as Jared.” 

She was right, as usual. Yoko was devoted, is still devoted to John Lennon, but she’s got nothing on that crazy kid and not even on the guy who loves him. I hope that you all find a love as strong as those two have. I know that I have.

**Author's Note:**

> Authors Note: First I would like to send out a general and heartfelt thank you to the entire J2/SPN Big Bang community especially everyone over at omgspnbigbang . The inspiration and motivation were what pushed me over the finish line of my first Big Bang. Thanks!  
> My beta dimeliora did so much I don’t really know how to thank her enough. She was more than a simple editor, she listened to my worries and concerns, validated them, and nudged me in the right direction everytime. The story wouldn’t be what it is without her and since gone from an okay sorta story to one that I feel proud (if not a little nervous) to share that means the world. Any mistakes that remain are the result of my last minute tinkering or stubbornness.  
> Working with my artist has been an great experience. Even as I write this she is putting up with my total lack of experience with the Big Bang process and my terrifying lack of knowledge of computers! And on top of that staticsintheair has created art that perfectly compliments the story. You should go straight to her LJ to not only check out the art for Yoko Ono’s Got Nothing on Jensen Ackles, but her other artwork as well. Go. Investigate. You’ll be glad you did!
> 
>  
> 
> More tedious Authors Notes: This story dealt with alcoholism and if anyone out there is dealing with this terrible disease or knows anyone who is please know that there is help out there. Here a couple of links that may be useful http://www.aa.org/ , http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ , and http://www.smartrecovery.org/ . I hope that everyone who is ready for and wants help receives it with compassion and love.  
> The second thing I wanted to share was my own parallel journey. When I first started the story Jensen’s leukemia was going to be a much bigger part, so I did quit a bit of research. That part of the story changed, but I couldn’t forget the stories I had read about those fighting cancer and knew that it would be a small thing for me to be a part of the solution. With a lot of deliberation and a lot of talking with my family, I decided to join the National Bone Marrow Registry. I would like to invite people to take a look at the website. I am not pushing, advising, or even hoping you’ll also sign up because it is not a decision to be made lightly, but they can always use monetary donations and also just community visibility. Here’s the address if you are interested http://bethematch.org/ . And ofcourse there is the wonderful work of the Make a Wish Foundation so bop on over there too http://wish.org/  
> Again, thank you so much for reading. I hope you liked it.


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